Editorial Read new OOZE Editor MAJOR BUD ROCK (U.S.M.C.)'s mission statement. He will bring peace to the world through his own brand of international humor.	Staff Box Write hate mail to the scum who put this issue together.
Download Ooze #9's official love ballad! -Quicktime 2.5 MIDI file by MJ Jelks	Mis Impressíonés Internaccionale EDDIE SCHMIDT shares his ignorant impressions of foreign cultures.
We Question Our Foreign Friends OOZE questions its international readers on life in foreign climes. The results are shocking.	Turn On Your Butt Light Ever wonder what it's like to be a stripper? SHIRLSPAWN shares a story about the day the tables turned and she watched a customer's own wild sex show.
Un Viajé a México Join the OOZE EDITORS on their safari to the wilds of Tijuana. Did they party with prostitutes, have sex with a donkey, and spend the night in a cramped prison cell? No way. These guys are total gringos.
Phun with Phones CAPTAIN NOITALL and MATT FOLDENAUER explore the exotic world of the telephone. The Captain shares more phone numbers to call and annoy people. Mr. F tells us about the stupid calls he got working as a late-night TV infomercial operator.	You Might Be a Foreigner If... Imagine what the dull-witted comedy of famous redneck JEFF FOXWORTHY would be like if were born in another country. Don't worry too much, we've saved you the trouble.
	Pickup Lines That Always Work Let's face it. You're most likely an undersexed computer nerd, content to stay in on a Saturday night and play DOOM until your eyes bleed. There's hope for you yet young man! Our tough FEMALE REPORTER reveals the secret of a good pick up line that will never fail.
Unlikely Cultural Exports How can Michael Jackson fill a soccer stadium in South America when he's been reduced to a bad joke in his native land? Fearless ED SCHMIDT explores cultural exports no one would normally believe could be popular anywhere.	Expatriot Towns of Illinois MJ LOHEED travels throughout the state of Illinois seeking exotic thrills in towns like Thebes, Paris, and Cairo.
My Great-Grandfather Ebenezer MATT PATTERSON shares the tale of his intolerant progenitor's quest to rid the world of foreign scum with a little electricity and a stream of urine.
Other Products Pushed By Community Groups Community groups covet the success of the Girl Scouts who have been peddling cookies door-to-door since time began. Learn about the different products different groups are trying to push on a callous public.	UN-Health Food The Esteemed Reverend ARNOLD JOY reveals Satan behind the facade of the "health food" craze. Learn how to cast unwashed fibrous evil from your spiritual diet and replace it with healthy "soul food".
Hawaiian Hoax Hawaii is not what you'd expect. MATT PATTERSON saw the Elvis movies. He watched Magnum P.I. He even sat through an entire Gidget movie on the island. That's the Hawaii he wanted. What he got was a much different story.	Ooze- In a Museum? OOZE correspondents DAN RHATIGAN and MARK SCAROLA crash the world premiere art opening of 'alt.youth.media' at New York's prestigious New Museum of Contemporary Art. Watch OOZE bite the hand that recognizes it for its brave contribution to youth culture.
Shanghai Surprise DAN RHATIGAN returns from Shanghai with some twisted examples of foreign packaging.	Excerpts from my 5th Grade Notebook MATT PATTERSON reveals more of his early writing genius with a horror story, a poignant book report, and his award winning, Why My Fifth Grade Teacher is Different Than Bo Derick.
First Annual Porn Star Bake Off Calling All Porno Stars! We know you have talents other than just having sex. Now's your chance to show off your favorite recipes. See if you can measure up to BARB BUSH's blue ribbon entry.
Cultural Footnotes Many of our foreign friends tell us they don't "get" some of our jokes. They're too American. Here we explain some of our more culturally exclusive references. Now everyone can laugh equally.	Online Classifieds Looking for a new computer, an overweight lover, or a dog that answers to the name "Stinky"? Look no further than the OOZE Online Classifieds!
	The Stupidest Shareware Download copies of retarded games like SimStapler and Mad Cow Roulette. Hate Mail Read vitriolic missives from our rabid readers. Buy an Ooze T-Shirt! Now's your chance to be cool ­and fashionable­ with a genuine Baby With Fork In Head T-Shirt! It makes nipples grow harder! Get one today.
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Many Many Links Explore OOZE-approved websites.	Where is Ooze? Besides right here, OOZE is many places. Get a subscription and check out how to join our growing OOZE ARMY and take over the world!

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Ooze #9 is copyright 1996 by Matt Patterson