Bored? Pick up the phone and give these numbers a call:
Penile Enlargement Course(818) 881-0505
The Snapple Consumer Service Line: 1-888-265-1122
The Pat Buchanan Hotline: 1-800-GOPATGO
Ohio Tourist Info. 1-800-BUCKEYE
Send all weird phone numbers to CptNoitAll@aol.com
- Matt Foldenauer
I live in Omaha, Nebraska, telemarketing capital of the world, where I've worked both outbound and inbound telemarketing. The most annoying callers, by far, are the ones calling for "that thing".
Normally, telemarketing companies handle hundreds of different loser clients with thousands of lame products advertised on late night television. The computer automatically displays--based on the number the caller dialed-- a list of anywhere from one to twenty possible products tied to that number. In fairness to the clients, the operator is not allowed under any circumstances to name individual products that appear on the screen in order to determine what the confused caller wants. Instead, they have to "probe" the caller for more information. The problem is, it seems many callers don't care what they're buying as long as it can be ordered with a delayed billing option.
Operator(me): This is Matt. How may I help you?
Caller: Yeah, uh, I want that thing- (spoken through haze of alcohol in a strong Arkansas accent)
Operator: Ok, sir, what exactly is the name of "that thing"?
Caller: Uh, I don't know. It was just on TV and Regis Philbin has three of 'em.
How about this lady who called about storm windows: This scripted question is used to determine what kind of windows the caller currently has on their home. i.e. casement, sliding, crankouts...
Operator: What kind of windows do you currently have on your home, Ms Smith?
Ms Smith: Oh- they're all glass, darlin'!
Here's another call from a man with even less intelligence:
Caller: Yeah, I want to screw this chick I work with, and I'm calling for the tapes.
Operator: Do you know the name of the tapes, sir?
Caller: Yeah. Uh- it's somethin' like, 'How to Make Love at Work". Say, do those tapes work? Have you tried 'em?
The caller was in fact seeking "Making Love Work", a self-help program designed to show people how to save their marriages.
Enjoy hours of entertainment by calling 800 numbers found in late night advertisements. See who can keep the operator on the line the longest. Points will be awarded for the most inflammatory or frustrating comments made to an operator without being disconnected. This has the potential to be the next big party game. Maybe I should market it. Now all I need is an infomercial.
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The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits