-caligula@aol.com

The French love Jerry Lewis. Germans dig David Hasselhoff. As any God-fearing, red-blooded American should know, our pop culture kicks the world's ass. Our biggest­ probably our only­ significant export in the 1990s is entertainment. However, this can lead to a slightly unusual phenomenon, whereby a particular performer actually has more impact in foreign territories than he does in his native land. We at Ooze decided to dig deeper into the rest of the world's pop culture appetites to find out which of our precious national resources were being swallowed elsewhere.

PERFORMER: Buddy Hackett
US STATUS: Old-timey comedian with slurred speech and naturally sleazy appearance
FOREIGN STATUS: (England) "Herbie, The Love Bug" (a noted influence on "Trainspotting") plays twice a night to sell-out crowds at Wembley Stadium, moving Queen Elizabeth to knight "Sir Buddy"; (Russia) People wearing Buddy Hackett masks are allowed to "cut" in bread lines.
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: In Amsterdam, college students built a thirty foot high statue of Hackett, erected it in a state park, and smoked it.

PERFORMER: Downtown Julie Brown
US STATUS: ex-MTV personality with voice to stop a truck
FOREIGN STATUS: (Japan) Reruns of Brown's E! network "Gossip Show" pre-empt national news events. Popularity skyrocketed after she wrapped herself in rice and seaweed and gigged for the national tourism board as "Miss Sashimi"; (Italy) Brown, known there as "Il Veejayario", is the nation's top centerfold, and starred in Fellini's last film, "Booty in a Gondola."
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: Crop circle in Ireland believed to read "Wubba Wubba" to planes circling at 30,000 feet.

PERFORMER: Scooby Doo
US STATUS: Gen-X beloved animated dog with constant munchies
FOREIGN STATUS: (Mexico) Several Mexican churches canonize noble dogs under the auspices of "San Scooby"; despite being imaginary, the marble-mouthed dog received 137 votes in the last Presidential election.
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: In Iran, Muslim extremists placed a death warrant for Scrappy Doo, whom they believe to have ruined the Hanna Barbera series.

PERFORMER: Anna Nicole Smith
US STATUS: Vaguely frightening zaftig pinup girl
FOREIGN STATUS: (Sweden) Smith's F-cups are used to promote new line of dairy products made from human breastmilk; (Uganda) Prime Minister proposes Smith's plump and chewy thighs be used to solve nation's famine.
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: Throughout the Ukraine, 11x18 photos of Smith bearing her teeth are placed under the beds of young children to "scare away the monsters".

PERFORMER: Bon Jovi- click the pic to hear him sing!
US STATUS: Way 80s lite metal rockers
FOREIGN STATUS: (France) Bon Jovi's music so permeates the culture that Frenchmen use "Bon Jovi" as a greeting instead of "Bon Sua". (Austria) Popularity of rock epic "Wanted: Dead Or Alive" moves Austrians to change the title of Mozart's opera to "Bon Giovanni".
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: In Napoli Italy, the DiFranco chain of pizzerias offers the "Chovy and Jovi" pie, a mixed topping of small, salty fish and creamy hair care products.

PERFOMER: Jaleel White
US STATUS: Ultimate black nerd on TV's "Family Matters"
FOREIGN STATUS: (China) Thousands of cardboard Urkel heads line the Great Wall; (Brazil) Sexy dance song, recorded as duet between White and bosomy children's show host Xuxa, is called "The Mammarena."
MOST NOTABLE HERO WORSHIP: At the Hall Of Fame Wax Museum (Orlando, Florida), museum curator Joseph Higgenbottom kept up with the times by lopping the head off the Gary Coleman figurine and replacing it with White's.

Love,
Eddie Schmidt (Caligula@aol.com)