Millions of Ooze readers want to hear from you. Only $1(US)/message!
Wanted: Asian SWM, 30-35 into acid jazz, John Irving, and anal ramrods. Cappuccino and Capucine a must. For long walks in hot, scalding oil, knock on the third garbage can behind "Mo's Take Out" or email email@example.com
Belinda: Mommy and Daddy just wanted to embarrass the crap out of you by taking out this classified. HAPPY 30th, HONEY! Maybe if you find a husband you can move out of the basement!
TALL GIRLS? Do people call you Precipice head? Towering Inferno? That tall girl up there? I want to take you on romantic walk (outside so you don't bump your head) and a drive you in my VW bug (I cut out a hole in the roof just4U!) Of course, I'll be seated on my phone books. See, I'm 4'2", but have a towering personality. I might be small of stature, but I'm not small in size! If you want the exotic love of your life, then I'm 1/2 your man!
SHORT ATTENTION SPAN? Confidential Medical what? Pork? Who turned the TV on? Damn, I'm hungry. Is there a bookstore around here? I'm sorry, were you just saying something? CALL 1-800-43 or something.
Reward for Lost Dog: YOU CAN HAVE MY FRIGGIN' CAT! I HATE THAT HAIRY-ASSED, LITTER SPEWING BASTARD.
Lorita. Last Thursday at popular night club on Sunset- you had dark chestnut hair and curves that kill- me tall and awkward chap with tattooed face. You gave me a blowjob. I HAVE YOUR RETAINER (I finally got it out from under my foreskin!)
FOR SALE: Powerbook Duo 230 12/540 w/ minidock. Used to create retarded magazine. First $700 takes it. First $800, and I'll leave my confidential sex diaries on the hard drive. First $1000 and I'll leave the naked pictures of my mom on there. First $10,000 can violate me in any humiliating way you want.
ALIEN LOVE! I am from a frigid planet, and am looking for one of your Earth Women who would like to warm my frozen nitrogen nights on Titian. Do you like cruising through worm holes and going to the movies? I do. I will also dissect you and put your remains on display in our Homeworld. I am into leather.
U R 4 ME! I am 440 lbs. of Man-O-Mite! I like to take rolls down to the beach, waddles around the park, and candlelit dinners for 27, although only the two of us are present. If you want more bang for your buck, more meat than bone, and a man that plumps when you cook him- write me at firstname.lastname@example.org
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The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits