I have never sent a negative comment to a reader before, but there is a first time for everything. While your opening is solid, and your lack of capitalization lets the reader know you are so annoyed that you don't want to even waste your time with the shift key, your attempt at hate mail is sorely lacking. Next time try to be a bit angrier, and support your statements. Something like, "I would rather have my testicles vigorously rubbed with a wire brush than read this magazine (a term you apply to your site that insults hard core porno rags) again," is better than a list of generic assaults. Please don't give up, though! With a little polish, you'll be writing creative, spiteful mail to the best of sites. This is just my opinion, of course.
Yeah fuck the government and the decency act, and fuck you all too. You guys are a bunch of fruity ass artfags. I went to your site and saw your "protest", yeah big fucking protest there buddy! it wasn't either disturbing or weird. It's one thing to put it there but all your fucking text lagged. You try too fucking hard to be all politically active and shit, when you really are nothing more than a bunch of strung out web-hippies. Fuck I don't even want to read the rest of your site anymore, at first I was stoked and then bummed. Your mag laggs hard. Have a little dignity, fuck. Kevin Buchli
Kevin's problem wass that he couldn't recognize SATIRE when he saw it. After calling him a retarded frat-boy (which he categorically denied) and pointing out his lack of humor-spotting skills, he sent this message:
It was about 4:30am and i had just finished checking out some pathetic webchats before I stumbled upon your site and I must admit that I was a bit confused and actually your 'protest' page wasn't entirely out of character for some other sites, but it may be for yours. Now I feel dumb.
Don't feel dumb! See what a little understanding and care can do? We are now best of friends. See his very own web creation and learn to love!
Make fun of you? Why? You're leading the good life! You're young, educated, have a lot of free time and can get sex whenever you want it! Now take out my trash, fool.
I just got done reading OOZE 8 and have not enjoyed myself that much since I robbed that liquor store back in Wisconsin!
Michael McElroy
I'm going to ask nicely but I'm never going to JUST ASK again. Take me off your mailing list NOW!!!
Joe Campton
For complaining, you are both sentanced to LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTIONS TO OOZE! Ha ha ha ha ha!
I don't seem to recall a Joke-of-the-Day feature in Ooze, but its a darned good suggestion! It'll be called, "Joke (that makes no sense nor is very funny at all)-of-the-Day"
Here's a sample of the kind of high quality jokes you can expect from Ooze:
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
thud.
I got this response from a rejection letter I sent to someone who sent us a porno story:
A: The black guy said, "It's Nat-cho Cheese!"
The name of your publication mislead me. Ooze Magazine *(IMO) was probably a skin magazine, looking for some erotic fiction stories set to fit the title... Sorry for my misunderstanding.
S. W. Hussey
Send all missives, scripts, and manifestos to Ooze Magazine
-drbubonic@aol.com
Stupidest Shareware Ever Promote Ooze Contest!
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