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From the Depths of Hell A LOAD OF CONTENT

Blonde & brawny Jorg Mammanhamar--third son of Kracknor--slays the beast of the written word with his blood-curdling, mead-drinking EDITORIAL

To find out the names of OOZE's contributors (and the 1927 New York Yankees lineup) click on the STAFF BOX.

OOZE assumes the twisted mantle of fundamentalist Christianity to protest "Star Wars" in OOZE STRIKES BACK. After reading our demented manifesto, laugh at the dour geeks who took the protest seriously in the bonus STAR WARS HATE MAIL section.

OOZE's resident stripper/contributor, Shirlspawn, returns with a mind-blowing, rectum-expanding document of her most memorable peepshow customer in
THE ASSMAN COMETH.

We pull the scabs off a few well-worn taboos with MATT PATTERSON's scathing investigation into why
HOT CHICKS DON'T DIG GUYS WHO LIKE SCI-FI.

Oozeywood!

More cheap and shameless jokes about food in the staff's second list of REJECTED BEN & JERRY FLAVORS.

Cabbage Patch Kids and their weird origins are uncovered in this anthropological dig into the Deep South, BABYLAND. Featuring photos of a real-live Baby Graveyard!

What's funnier than a crazy old man recalling a lifetime he can't remember? A fat guy trying to get out of a manhole? If you picked the former, check out "Maltshop" Joe Throneberry's rose-colored
GOOD őOLE DAYS.

Social satirist, confused doofus, sex symbol of the century, or all of the above? Fearless Matt Patterson goes undercover in STAR TREK FAIRE OR RENAISSANCE CONVENTION?

For the latest Hollywood sewage, check out the flow in OOZEYWOOD.

Professional ordinary guy Eddie Schmidt chronicles his accidental run-ins with the rich and flatulent in CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS.

Contributor Nate Nichols explores lost chestnuts in the William Shatner acting oeuvre in
GET SHATNERED.

Astronaut!

Everyone from little cousin Billy to old, whiskered Aunt Rotunda will be enthralled by our disgusting, Dickensian Yuletide fable, A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS STORY. Television rights are still available.

Hunter Thompson: journalistic legend or dried up old fool? Roving reporter Zak Weisfeld scratches his literary hemorrhoids in
IRRITATION AND ANNOYANCE IN LOUISVILLE.

Portrait Of The Artist as a Young Dork: Eddie Schmidt looks back on a childhood rife with bad, homemade comic books in the nostalgic COMIC GENIUS OR BUDDING RETARD?

What's uglier: A model without makeup or the creepy nerds who lust for her over the internet? Fear nothing but fear itself (or maybe just an axe-weilding murderer) in CONFESSIONS OF AN ONLINE GODDESS.

Want to turn the tables on salespeople who call you during dinner? Learn how to annoy the annoying in HOW TO ANSWER YOUR PHONE (LIKE AN IDIOT).

Get a T-Shirt!

Get an Ooze T-Shirt Cheap

Why do people go nuts for "Star Trek" but not for other TV shows? Eddie Schmidt uncovers the strange, cultish ways of the rabid fans of "Benson", "Cheers", "The Facts Of Life", and more in the searing expose SITCOM CONVENTIONS. Not for the faint of heart.

Role playing games get roasted like a big piece of rotisserie chicken in
...AND SHEEP CREATED MAN.

Ever harbor the weird belief that spontaneous combustion could bring you world domination? Let THE POWER OF COMBUSTION tug on your heartstrings.

Learn how you can make money off the most retarded freeware ever invented. Download the mysterious program, Jared, Butcher of Songs and some Mr. T icons in THE WORLD‚S STUPIDEST SHAREWARE.

Think OOZE sucks? Mind-meld with other jerks just like you in our time-honored HATE MAIL section.

OOZE wades through all the caca of cyberspace to bring you the choicest in Internet excrement in
SHIT ON THE WEB.

T-Shirts are still available... and they‚ve got a Baby With A Fork in its Head.

Where is OOZE? Right here, of course! Well, when it isn't right here, it's somewhere else. (Huh?) Find out where in
WHERE IS OOZE?

Do us a favor and dip your dirty little fingers into our Whitman sampler of love: take the READERS' SURVEY and subscribe to Ooze!

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Loving Couple
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Ooze Theme
George Lucas
Assman's Ass

Download the orchestral "Ooze 10 Theme" (54k) from the Homepage

Eddie Schmiddty

Download the Ed Schmidt theme, "Eddie Schmidtty" (48k) from Comic Genius or Budding Retard?

Download the entire song "George Lucas is a Jew" (25k) from Ooze Strikes Back

Star Trek Convention

Download the "Star trek Convention" song (29k) from Star Trek Faire of Renaissance Convention?

Download the full version of "Assman's Ass" (42k) from The Assman Cometh [again]

Tom Hanks

Download the whole "Tom Hanks Love Theme" (22k) from A Sheep Story

Electronic Fart

BONUS SONG:
Not in any article!
"Electronic Fart" (51K)

Soundtrack by Pegasus

WAV FILES (for windows users):
Ooze Theme Song (130k)
George Lucas the Jew (56k)
Assman's Ass (95k)
Ed Schmidt Theme (107k)
Star Trek Convention (62k)
Tom Hanks (50k)
Electronic Fart (117k)

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Ooze #10 Copyright ©1997 Matt Patterson

Editorial

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