Although I am a warrior and a barbarian, naytheless I am knowledgeable in the arts of letters, and will cleave the head of anyone who says otherwise. Old men of MAD: bow your soft, corpulent bodies down before me and kiss the the earth I trod upon. He-Women of SPY: kneel at my feet and suckle my prodigious offspring. Publishers of all electronic humor publications: You are but maggots feeding on the rotting corpse of a civilization doomed to stink its own offal. Fie upon all who dare to stand before me!
This tenth edition of Ooze may be the "Science Fiction and Fantasy" issue, but those deeds which you puny nerdlings identify as 'imagined' are, in fact, my chosen reality. Who among you have slain the many-headed Hydra and battled the Orcish Hordes of Pittsburgh with no more than a sharpened paper clip and a cracked salt shaker enchanted by the one-eyed wizard, Kimtor, who wears the eldrich glass eye of Sammy Davis Jr.? In the space of an hour, I have bedded the 2005 vestal virgins of the sacred covenant of Abe Vigoda and they borne me 897 sons named "George". Do not defame my world as mere "fantasy"! My stare alone could crush your near-sighted, carpal tunnel syndrome ridden frames, rendering your very manhood no more rigid than the spine of a career politician.
This task is easy even for a simple barbarian like myself. Tonight, as I down a tankard of ale and lie down with an elvish whoremistress I will write the entire issue you hold before yourself. No read it, or face the wrath of my... wrath!
Jorg Mamanhammar
From the blood soaked fields of the Guann Valley |
