rectrectrect

article by George Bascomb

exploding boy by Daniel Gruber

kid blowing up
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THE POWER OF COMBUSTION


Think about how fun it would be if you could spontaneously combust whenever you wanted. BOOM! Ash. Then back to normal. Then BOOM! again. But why on Earth would I want to immolate myself like a Vietnamese monk? Well, there are several practical reasons for which voluntary spontaneous combustion would be very useful.

If I didn't want to do something that involved work, I could just blow up, and wait until someone else did what I was meant to do. Or, if I felt like punching someone, I could blow off my arm, and have it hit them. That way I wouldn't have to bother getting up and walking over to where they were. This would probably also freak them out as well, so I doubt that anyone would ever mess with me again.

Spontaneous combustion would be a great party trick. If someone were to comment on how much they ate, saying, "I feel like I'm going to explode!" I could show off just by doing it. A little reality helps people tone down on hyperbole.

Spontaneous combustion would also be a good source of income. First, I would go on all the talk shows, and demonstrate. This would make me famous. Then, I would go to a bank and ask for money. If they didn't give me any, I could either blow the safe open, or take hostages. If the hostages were annoying, I could blow them up, too.

Spontaneous combustion could also help me from getting hurt. If I were getting shot at, I could blow myself up, and then reform later. Or, if someone threw me off a cliff, I could blow up, and the blast would not only slow my fall, but then it wouldn't really hurt to hit the ground.

Since I've never blown up before, I can't say it wouldn't be without its
problems. Maybe it would sting like a bitch. But maybe if it happened fast enough, I wouldn't feel it at all. On a practical level, I'd have to figure out just how to reform my body, after being blown apart. This would take mind control powers I just don't have yet. But if I work hard enough, eat right and exercise regularly, I'd probably be able to spontaneously combust and reform at will. Then I would rule.

Dungeons & Sheep

Oozeywood: Ooze's Entertainment Monthly

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