We are born into this world screaming, bloody, and naked.

Yanked from a cozy womb, we begin a long and cranky struggle to make sense of our new surroundings.  As infants, even before we can speak, we learn to express our feelings by imitating the gestures of others. These might range from a hand in the mouth saying, "Get those strained peas outta my face!" to a wild arm-flail meaning, "Put that thermometer up your own ass, lady." Either way, we're still communicating with gestures.

The word 'gesture' comes from the Latin word gerere, which means to comport, or show oneself. A gesture places a person's thoughts on display for all to see.  Since as far back as the first grade, we've all known that one gesture would transmit anger and frustration better than any other:  a raised middle finger.  The central digit of either hand,  firmly upturned and thrust emphatically, always gets the point across.  In the wake of political correctness, when thoughts are considered dangerous and mere words can cause internal bleeding and the heartbreak of psoriasis, the finger stands alone.  It's an equal-opportunity offender. 

This is a book for anyone who's ever been put-down, stomped on, left out or cast aside. It's for the little guy, the underdog, the wallflower, the schlemiel and the schlimazel. It's a response to the promotion you never got, the stain on your dress and the knife wound in your gut.  A rebuttal to every joke at your expense, every scrap of toilet paper stuck to your shoe,  and every toupee that's ever blown off your head in a windstorm.  Or something like that.

A middle finger conveys inner turmoil to the outside world. It transforms your hand into a powerful tool--a lightning rod of anger.  The finger says, "I do not agree," "up yours," "stick it where the sun don't shine" or, quite eloquently, "fuck you." This tiny, once-insignificant digit becomes symbolic of something bigger and more sinister, essentially telling the victim that your hefty set of genitals can kick their ass--or simply that you may kick them in their genitals. What other insult measures up to the finger?  "Dickweed"?  "Shithead"? Curse words have lost their punch.  They're overused, improperly conjugated, and hard to understand if you have a lisp.  In this fragmented era of MTV and STDs, Big Macs and vials of crack, the finger is one signifier that's universally understood across social, linguistic, and economic barriers. Everyone reading this has, at one time, given or gotten the finger. It's the common experience bonding the New Yorker to the Nebraskan, the Hawaiian to the Alaskan. The finger is the hem holding up the pant leg of society.

After billions of years of trial and error, evolution finally produced an intelligent, upright walking mammal. This new being found that his hands could not only fashion instruments to reshape his surroundings, but also to communicate ideas. Man's dexterity unlocked a Pandora's Box of unlimited expression, giving birth to the opposable thumb's evil, foul-tempered cousin: THE BIRD.

But this website is not a "fuck you."  It's a valentine.  A love letter to hate, a celebration of vulgarity, and a searing look at a simple gesture so common, so ordinary, yet so shunned and misunderstood.  Where did it come from?  What does it really mean?  And why is it so disgusting?  Trace the bird's origins in ancient Greece, right up through Shakespearean times, and into the modern era, where it penetrates every conceivable aspect of American culture. See rock stars, actors, and politicians raising their fleshy bone-monsters just like you. Enjoy delicious recipes of middle finger food, and learn the various ways to signal, "Eat Me" around the globe. The Comprehensive Guide to Flipping Off takes our sacred cows and turns them inside-out, creating a comfortable leather jacket.

Forget God; forget country; this great nation is founded on the principles of the bird. The finger is your ticket to independence.  Freedom.  Truth, justice, and the pursuit of high-quality footwear at a fraction of retail cost.  Join us, and  learn lots of things your mother would prefer you didn't.

Never before has something so thorough been written about something this stupid.