30,000 B.C.: What is believed to be the first humorous publication by humans is first "published" in the little seen, rearmost cave paintings in Latrobe, France. Although smudgy and hard to decipher, anthropologists believe that the illustrations depict a family of bears performing the "wacky poop" dance while a stunned and disbelieving hunter sits on a curious devise, believed to be the first Whoopie® cushion.
3000 B.C.: Dust abacus is invented, probably in Babylonia. There is no record of this however, as it was made entirely of dust.
24 A.D.: Chinese monks invent first sturdy wooden abacus. Young novice monk is beheaded for attempting to create sophisticated mathematical joke (2 + 2 = 5) with it. Two thousand years later, the joke is still unappreciated by Eastern scholars.
976 A.D.: Humor outlawed by Catholic Church. Popular illuminated humorous manuscripts including "The Book of Kells, Bleeps and Blunders," are forced to go underground. Anyone found contributing to or distributing such works were classified as "Jews" and tortured. This is where the stereotype of the Jewish 'funny man' comes from.
1580: Troupes of actors in Italy develop popular improvisatory comedic performance style known as Commedia dell'Arte. They develop and popularize such classic gags as the "Pie-in-the-face," "The Pratfall," and the catch phrase "Dyn-o-mittia."
1833: Charles Babbage designs the first general purpose computer, The Analytical Machine, which follows instructions from punched-cards. Lab assistant and electronic humor pioneer, Marcello d'Uzjian, programs first computerized joke after-hours in the lab: "How do Irishmen take a shower? They pee into the wind." Babbage, whose Grandparents were Irish, discovers d'Uzjian's hi-jinks and has him imprisoned in Australia.
1946: ENIAC (Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer), weighing in at 80 tons with 18,000 vacuum tubes, is turned on for the first time, heralding a new age in digital computing. Fifteen minutes later, the computer crashes blacking out most of Philadelphia. Later, it is discovered that perennial lab assistant Gunter d'Uzjian, replaced the artillery plotting program demonstration with a prototype issue of Ooze. No one laughs.
1949: Claude Shannon of MIT builds the first chess playing machine. Gunter d'Uzjian uses it to stimulate his own nipples. He is caught, and leaves the University in disgrace.
1952: The first computer manual is written by Fred Gruenberger. Preface by d'Uzjian describes future where pornography and computer technology are seamlessly melded into an appliance that looks and feels remarkably like today's modern microwave oven.
1969: ARPANET, the parent of the Internet, is commissioned by the Department of Defense for research into a computer network that would survive a nuclear war. Ooze #4 is the first to take advantage of this new distribution model by only being available via "electronic mail". Circulation of the expanded text issue hovers at around 50.
1974: In a desperate move to increase circulation, d'Uzjian seizes control of the U.S. nuclear arsenal via secret COBOL encoding nested in Ooze #5. d'Uzjian crowns himself Overlord of the New Dominion and commands the entire networked populace to read his magazine. Fortunately, the infected computer is rendered inoperable by a simple game of Lemonade Stand. As a result, d'Ujian is forever banned from the network. This was also the basis of the 1982 film, Wargames.
1979: Total computers in use in the U.S. exceed a half million units. Barely any of them can read Ooze.
1980: The Atari 2600 is the most popular home entertainment system. Warner releases 'The New Ooze Adventures for Kids #1' on cartridge. It is pulled from the shelves in a massive recall when it is discovered by parents that it includes a game called, I'm In Charge, where you play a camp counselor who jumps over trees and campfires while trying to impregnate your young charges.
1981: The Minitel, a proprietary primitive proto-internet, is deployed in most homes across France. France Telecom purchases million dollar loser, Ooze from the owners for 400 francs. It's a stunning success- the French love it!
1983: The French are disgusted by Ooze #8, featuring the new subtitle: Liberté, Egalaté, Lick my Stinky French Assaté! Ooze is declared morally bankrupt by the Socialist government.
1992: The term "Surfing the Internet" is coined by Jean Armour Polly. Prince coins a symbol which becomes his new name. The media and public puzzle over this for months and forget completely about the Internet.
1993: The Internet becomes popular. Ooze does not.
1993: Thousands in Minneapolis-St. Paul lose Net access after transients start a bonfire under a bridge causing fiber-optic cables to melt. Unable to check their e-mail, the populace to rise up in "The Riots Caused By The Crashing of the FTP Server of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince". A homeless man shatters a nearly full bottle of Thunderbird on top of fellow transient Gunter d'Uzjian's head, killing him. The French decide not to let his father's brainchild to wither away.
Jan 15, 1994: Ooze #1 is re-released to an unsuspecting public by a new, unpaid editorial staff. No one notices.
TODAY: With the wild success of the Internet, the cleverness of the material, and the help of French venture capital, has made 'Ooze' into a household word meaning, 'slime' or 'gooey stuff'. Let the good times roll!