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Understanding a child's sexuality can be a difficult thing. It's not always easy to see the signs of sexual orientation, be they homo or hetero. We here at OOZE decided to smash stereotypes once and for all to give you, the reader, the opportunity to measure your male offspring's interest in members of the same sex. What better way to understand a sensitive, complex subject like human sexuality than with some vague questions in an irreverent humor magazine?
HOBBIES:
a) Shows healthy interest in women's fashions.
b) Shows healthy interest in interior design.
c) Shows healthy interest in men's naked buttocks.
STYLE:
a) Wears short shorts and tight t-shirts.
b) Wears large nipple and navel rings.
c) Wears gold lame jumpsuit with neon sign reading, "I LOVE JISM."
SPEECH:
a) Lisps.
b) Peppers conversations with exclamations like, "You go, girl!"
c) Frequently pauses in the middle of sentences to pantomime a large penis moving in and out of his mouth.
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A DAY IN A DYKE'S LIFE
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a real submission from a real reader.
MORNING
6:00 - 7:30 .
Eat pussy.
7:30 - 7:35
Brush teeth.
7:35 -7:45
Shave face.
7:45 - 8:00
Shower.
8:00 - 8:10
Dress.
8:10 - 8:30
Eat breakfast, since after a long night of eating pussy the body gets hungry.
WORKDAY
8:30 - 6:00
Work on a construction site. Whistle at the passing babes. Sit and brag with the guys. Whistle at babe with DD tits. Eat lunch. Take a shit. Make plans to go to strip club on Friday. Use the jack hammer. Go home.
EVENING
6:00 - 6:10
Go to store. Buy Beer, and cigs.
6:10 - 6:40
Eat dinner.
6:40 - 7:30
Drink beer.
7:30 - 8:00
Become pissed about something.
8:00 - 10:00
Watch crappy T.V. Wish girlfriend had tits like Pamela Lee.
10:00 - 12:00
Eat pussy.
Pride83675, we surmise, is 15 and never met a homosexual of any kind. We may never know since his account was deactivated shortly after this submission.
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MANNER:
a) Tosses hands in the air casually while talking.
b) Sits down with legs completely crossed.
c) Crawls around on all fours with pants down and naked ass pointed in the air.
DIET:
a) Drinks only diet sodas.
b) Picks at food in a careful attempt to "watch his figure."
c) Eats nothing but bananas, carrots, cucumbers, hotdogs, and shish kebob.
BODY:
a) Lean, muscular and oiled.
b) Wispy, thin and pale.
c) Features prominent tattoo reading, "PROPERTY OF RUPAUL."
HAIR:
a) Close-cropped and neatly buzzed.
b) Long, curly and poofy.
c) Dyed pink and shaved into the shape of ripe testicles.
MUSICAL TASTE:
a) Loves show tunes.
b) Loves the Village People.
c) Loves singing original a capella songs celebrating anonymous sex in public restrooms.
FRIENDS:
a) Exclusively girls.
b) Exclusively boys.
c) Exclusively old, hairy, Greek men bearing NAMBLA membership cards.
ROLE MODEL:
a) Harvey Milk.
b) Gus Van Sant.
c) Charles Nelson Reilly.
ANSWERS:
Give yourself 1 point for each A, 2 for each B, and 4.5 for each C. Compare your result to the chart below.
SCORE:
10-20 Borderline. Don't be surprised to find a worn copy of "Honcho" under Little Johnny's mattress.
21-37 Hello, Dolly! Forget college tuition and buy Sonny a duplex in West Hollywood.
38+ Planet Liberace. Beam me up, Tiger! Raaagrh!
The staff of OOZE MAGAZINE is not homophobic. However, they DO fear multiple choice questions in magazines, and the people who take stock in them. |
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR SON IS GAY.
