- MrNoitAll1@aol.com

Burger King Consumer Service 1-800-YES-1-800
They like to be harassed, I swear! I called them once, and they told that my mother gives good head. No lie. They have major spunk. Try asking what part of the chicken makes up a Chicken McNugget.

Some Asian Spice Number 1-800-786-8222
This guy is great. Ask him about purchasing some oregano in bulk quantities.

Coca Cola Inc. 1-800-GET-COKE
Tell them you bought a defective Coke. What's a defective soft drink? I don't know, but they'll send you a free 6 pack of any drink of your choice. Amazing.

The School Lunch Guy 1-704-792-9000 ex.2010
It's long distance, but DEFINITELY worth it. Call now! Some guy reads you a school lunch menu, but it's so much more than that. He plugs his record album (of lunch listings?) and talks like Jim Varney too. Who is he really? I don't know; try to decipher the mystery yourself.

I don't know what the hell it is. 1-213-GOD-LOVE
NOT what you'd expect. Definitely strange. Convinced me that God DOES love. Hmmm. I like it.

Q-Tips Consumer Service 1-800-243-5804
My favorite call to them so far: "How many deaths occur from Q-Tips each year counting accidental and non-accidental?" What a hoot.

The White House Switchboard 1-202-456-1414
Wooooo hooooo! Call and ask for Bill. That bastard never comes to the phone.

Hooked On Phonics 1-800-ABCDEFG
Hukt on fonix wurkt for me! Isn't it ironic that phonics isn't spelled like it sounds? Tell them your name is Lennie, you're 25, you live in Louisiana, and you need help reading a paper the sheriff gave you. (What does ABCDEFG spell anyway?)

Depends 1-800-DEPENDS
Show someone how much you really love them by sending them a free trial pair of Depends. One of the Editors of OOZE previously conducted a scientific experiment with this product and is proud to report that it can hold a prodigious amount of pee! See for yourself, or just call and make fun of old people.

New Freedom maxi pads. I-800-544-1847
Thank them for freeing women from slavery and allowing them the vote. Ask if New Freedom maxi-pads freed the blacks of South Africa too, or if they'll change their name to "Newt Freedom" in honor of the Speaker of the House. Go maxi-crazy!

Send all donations to MrNoitAll1@aol.com.

Ooze Magazine The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits