Love Letters From The Internet

From: (Jack Gibbons)
Look you loser, if you don't know how to use the internet, which you probably don't because morons that use AOL have no fucking idea what they're doing, stop fucking using it! God you people piss me off!!! You don't know, or bother to learn, anything about the method of info. transportation that you're using, but you continue to use it. If you didn't know how to dial a phone, would you keep hitting numbers until you came up with the right one?

In case you don't know what I'm talking about, let me enlighten that dark dusty room you call a brain. You posted a self ingratiating message about your e-zine onto the Skunk Works mailing list along with a picture. By the way, shock media is old hack and shows a severe lack of creativity. I doubt that people who talk about secret government aircraft are interested in your "teen angst", like you have so much to be upset about, drivel.

Posting off topic shows a maturity level of about 3 if you do it on purpose and an IQ level of 50 if you do it because you don't know what the hell you're doing. You make the call.

Dear Mr. Lumber:
I'm glad you've read and enjoyed Ooze. I knew that people who like to sit on top of a New Mexican mountain and look for secret UFO's would love it! That's why I sent it to you. What a productive way to use the net! I bet the government is constantly slapping themselves on the forehead wondering how their big secret spaceships were spotted by crafty net-savvy citizens like yourself. I bet everyone on is as smart as you. I really want to join up, but I can't type real well. Is that a problem? Frankly, these people on AOL are only here to send dirty pictures.

Could you give me pointers on how to write great posts like yourself? They are way wittier and more mature than mine. And I'm only 15.

P.S. Can anybody show me how to use this microwave? I just burnt the dog. The interface is so confusing!

ooze that slither slut
of titter tat shy do love
zine of mind feed full

From: (Paul Willis)
Your unexpigated bilge has no place on the dinolist and, being a private subscriber to the net, I resent having to pay to download extremely long items that are of no interest to me and are unsolicited. And, further, we in civilisation (i.e., anywhere outside of the USA) know that the Americans have a piss-poor sense of humour, so you don't have to prove it to us.
Cheers, Paul

G'Day Paul!
Here in America, I can't think of anything funnier than Austrailians like Paul Hogan, or the star of that fine feature film Reckless Kelly, Yahoo Serious. And what could beat sittin' back, snacking on a kangaroo, groovin' to Silver Chair and puttin' stuff on the barby? I couldn't tell you. Maybe your sour attitude comes from being hit on the head far too often playing your silly football.

From: (Georgia McNamara)
I must admit (under extreme duress, of course) that I find Ooze to be chock-full of excellent humorousness, although I found Raven Hate's issue much more amusing than the multiple-tampon-reference current [ooze 6] issue.

Ooze is no place for the discussion of feminine hygiene products, even once. I guarantee that this issue is free of multiple references to any female nastiness. Except for a few mentions of tampons, sanitary napkins, floral body lotions, female condoms, K-Y jelly, douching material, wunderbras, and coat hangers, this issue is multiple-female-free. In fact, the only multiple reference you'll find in this issue is the 100% maleness of Abraham Lincoln. I hope this meets with your approval.

From: Robn Kester Forum Consultant Mac Multimedia
We are sorry but we cannot release your upload "Ooze#6PG.sea" at this time because it contains material which could be considered tasteless and possibly obscene. Please take the time to review AOLs Terms Of Service as well as the file "MMM READ BEFORE UPLOADING" located in the Mac Multimedia New Files library before submitting further to avoid this in the future.

Hi! I'm A big fan of Ooze. I've read issues #4-6 and was wondering if you could send me all the past issues. I've installed all the software from them too. My dad wants me to take them off the computer. Total success! If you could hook me up with a subscription as well, that would be oozey!

Dear Dan:
Your father was indeed correct to fear the little programs that ship with Ooze now neslteled on his hard drive. By now, those little applications have charred your brain and created the mindless cyber-zombie under my direct control you are today. According to my roster, your father will be pounding rocks in the Slave City fusion pits for the rest of his life, which should be around 2-3 months, depending on his physical stature. Quake before me mortals! I am the Anti-Anti-Christ! The year 2000 is today, and I am your leader! Did you want a subscription to the Macintosh or text edition?

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Ooze #7 ----- Winter '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits