By Dr. X. Torque

Ladies and Gentlemen of the scientific community: This scientific paper, the result of years of painstaking research and analysis, is nothing less than the most important paper you will ever read. One that will shake the very roots, nay! Strip the very bark from the Tree of Knowledge itself. Showing that very same tree to be nothing more than a patch of sparse crabgrass growing from a mulch pit of lies.

My topic is nothing less than Gravity. Or, more accurately, the so-called "Theory" of Gravity. Simple, household Gravity You can depend on Gravity, they'd tell me back in school. "Win One For Gravity!" they'd shout from the sidelines as I sat beneath the football stadium bleachers with my homemade periscope performing experiments of a purely scientific nature.

Does Gravity hold up to new scientific discoveries? How can this "Gravity" accurately explain massive sub-light photon fields? The undisclosed location of quantum particles? William Shatner's hair piece? These things are easily explained once you let go of the concept of "Gravity".

Remember that Gravity is just a "theory", and nothing more. Everyone's got a "theory" these days. "My theory is that the President is actually a rock." or "According to my theory, plants can talk to rabbits." Actually, these are some examples of my own theories, but I'm sure that there are some others that sound crazy.

You must think I'm a lunatic for questioning something you' ve taken for granted all your lives. You think the universe is an ordered functioning predictable place. What goes up must come down, right? You could never be more wrong.

UFO's are nothing more than things that have gone up and not come down yet. Crop Circles are nature's way of saying, "I love you". The "magic" bullet that killed all the Kennedy's still roams the Earth thirsting for New England blood! Can your gravity do that? Elvis isn't dead, he's just walking on your ceiling, and you haven't even looked up! I would spit on you and your "theory"... but I won't. I can't be certain that that spit won't turn around and take out my eye! But I'm not the one who's blind! It's YOU who can't see! I'm a master of my own gravity! Things stick to ME! I'm bigger than the sun and my ass is a black hole! I'm a gravity God!

Could it be otherwise? When I first presented this paper to my colleagues at the American Society of Professors of Physics, they mocked me. Called me dirty names. Said that Gravity wasn't just a theory, but a Law. Newton's Law.

This only serves to strengthen my point. These idiots in Congress are passing legislation over matters they know nothing about! I for one, am not going to sit by and let this Newton and his cronies in the House of Representatives have their fun while it corrupts my family, my country, and my universe... turning it into some perverse playground where the Devil take children into his lab and show them how he uses a Van DeGraff generator to make his pubic hair stand on end! I hope my fellow scientists will follow my lead and reject this foul, outdated concept.

Now I must fly back to the planet Zirkon and rescue my Lady O'Onathor from Megalonian! Good tidings, Space Rangers!

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