History Lesson For High School Football Players

Welcome to another not-so-challenging chapter of Great History Moments. History put into terms that even a hormone engorged simpleton like yourself stands a chance of passing this class and staying on the team!

1776 was a fantastic year for History that will be remembered for ages to come. Constitutional Convention I paved the way for many future dramatic moments, but perhaps the most memorable was the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. Think U.S.A. Think fireworks. And remember it happened a long time ago. C'mon you big, dumb jocks! Let's bust through the grid-iron and into our History Time-Machines!

History is just waiting to happen! All of the Conventional Delegates stand ready for the signing. George Washington, number 83, snaps the quill to author Thomas Jefferson who goes back, fakes the throw, and hands off the quill to John Hancock, number 32, who finds a hole in the surprised defense and dashes 10 yards towards the document. Only he's met by opposing linebacker Patrick Henry, who really felt he should be allowed to sign first, but Hancock distracts him with a hastily prepared copy of the Articles of Confederation- true genius! Hancock scores, earning the right to make the largest signature. The final score: Federalists 7, Antifederalists 0. It may not be accurate, but it's truly a great moment in the history of History!

Next week, QB John "Wilkie" Booth shotgun's a pass to an unsuspecting Abe "Abraham" Lincoln who goes down hard just inside the end zone.

My Stolen Computer: FOUND!
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Ooze #7 ----- Winter '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits