Due to an increase in costs, management has decided that further cutbacks are necessary for 1996. These modest proposals could save the bank 22.4 million dollars in 1996 alone.
Replace the lollipops we freely give to children with handfuls of sawdust.
Rent out under-utilized office space (i.e. behind the cooler and inside unused file cabinets) space to low-income families. A great community-builder.
Charge customers to gaze at the bank buildings. We can cross-reference a customer face database with images from our security cameras.
Implement 8 new holidays for the 1996 banking season:
Pet The Retards Second Weekend after Harvest MoonReplace all lighting fixtures with low-cost fatty candles.
What's That On The Ground Day? July 5
Get Drunk and Blow Your Thumb Off With Fireworks Day May 21
Spiro Agnew Day To De Determined At Random
All Saints Alive! Day April 4
The 12 Days of Columbus October 8-20
National Hooker Appreciation Week Dec. 1-7
Scab Laborer Day Sept. 3
Give customers the cash equivalent of their withdrawals in coupons. Those certificates are valued at 1/500 of a cent minimum. (Look at the bottom of a coupon for its cash value.)
Store customer's valuables in shoeboxes instead of safety deposit boxes.
Force people who bounce checks to work in the salt mines underneath the vault.
Replace the free milk we provide for coffee with non-dairy creamer.
If we all work together we can make it through the next year without having any of the upper management laid off. The office is also taking up a collection of old books for Louie down at the Federal penitentiary. Let's show him that we don't forget a scapegoat!
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits