Recently, I found a notebook that my first-grade teacher made us write all our stories in. These early works of genius foreshadowed the immense literary talent I was to become. Even these early works are of such high quality I decided to reprint them in their original form with English Standard translations where needed.

Santa Dog

Was . a lettle
Ho ho ho ti [it] is
Santa Dog

I Love Youa [You]

[A Poetic Dialogue]
O Swete [Sweety]
I love you
O shatap [Oh, Shut up]!


Wty! [What-y? This is another poetic dialogue.]
I wat [went]
Poo-Poo in my
Pans [Pants]
Well Bless my sol [soul]


Rain o' Rain
Is wet!!?!?!
Wet 3
Wet 6
Wet 9
Get the duck wet
The and
-March 1977

The Day My Pans [pants] faldon [fell down]

One day I was jogen [jogging] outsida. I started jogen so fast o bai the ya my pans wer los [I forgot(?) my pants were loose.] I sad [said] Wow and than ti hppod [it happened...]
E.E.E.E.E. My Pans Fldon! [My pants fell down!] I was runing and so I jopt [jumped] up to a tree. Wen I jopt don [jumped down] my ond shrt came ouf. [own shirt came off.] E.E.E. Im nakit [I'm naked!] Son [soon] I got my Pans onn mysf [on myself] and I got a vee teing not. [a something tying knot?]
The and
-April 1977

If you want to read more of the product of my early genius, write to me at drbubonic@aol.com. I have a good Hardy Boys adventure where Sean Cassidy and I take on a house full of ghosts, and an epic adventure where I am shrunken and ride a space-faring gerbil, naked.

Deathstyles of the Rich & Famous
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Ooze #7 ----- Winter '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits