Years ago, my good friend Matt Patterson made a bet that George Burns would outlive Jerry Garcia. In 1991 this seemed pretty ridiculous, but here we are in 1996 and Mr. Patterson is no less than a prophet. By all rights, Jerry's death seems "tragic" because he was in his fifties whereas George Burns is reaching the far side of 100. Who led the fuller life is arguable (I hear Gracie's LSD was fairly potent) but certainly, more people mourned over Jerry's death than they would have over Burns' (in his advanced age, anyway). This led me to an interesting question: for every celebrity who's prematurely kicked it in the last few years, couldn't we come up with a more deserving one? Someone, maybe-- RELATED?

Kurt Cobain Courtney Love Stage dives during concert; no one bothers to catch.
Mickey Mantle Mickey Rooney Loses barfight with Billy Barty
Easy E Hammer Angry Capitol Records exec hurls him off roof of Hollywood HQ
Frank Zappa Frank Perdue Bloody emasculation by feather plucking factory device
Jackie Kennedy MTV's Kennedy Takes bullet meant for Lisa Loeb
That Guy From Blind Melon Michael Bolton Justice served
Tom Carvel Carl, from White supremacy Carl's Jr group gets address wrong;cross burns house while the Carls sleep
John Lennon Ringo Crazed fan asks him to sign copy of "Little Conductor" video. Real train runs them down
Stevie Ray Vaughn Yngvie J. Wire device which Malmsteen "flies" him across concert arena speeds up accidentally; impaled on drumkit
Divine Bette Midler Eaten alive by a Grizzly Bear
John Belushi Dan Aykroyd Sewage flood during "House Of Blues" radio hour
Fatty Arbuckle Rush Limbaugh Chokes on large,bulbous onion in Double Whopper
River Phoenix Pauly Shore Crucified during Sony Pictures' annual 4th of July family picnic
Paul Lynde JM J Bullock Believes he sees ghost of Ted Knight on freeway; jumps from car and is crushed by Trojans truck.
Andy Warhol Cristo Makers of rival plastic wrap "custom strangle" artist with their own brand.
Billy Martin George Steinbrenner Home run accidentally dislodges "Diamond Vision" electronic scoreboard onto George's head
Mr. Ed Beethoven Syphilis
Jim Morrison Oliver Stone Crew of "Natural Born KillersII" sets him on fire at cast party
Bette Davis Kim Carnes Acute oblivion
Lorne Greene Any member of Fatal acne "Green Day"
Andy Kaufman Carrot Top Jealous feud with Gallagher ends in tragic watermelon blow to the heart

Journal Entries of the Insane
Back to Ooze #7 index

Ooze #7 ----- Winter '96

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits