Years ago, my good friend Matt Patterson made a bet that George Burns would outlive Jerry Garcia. In 1991 this seemed pretty ridiculous, but here we are in 1996 and Mr. Patterson is no less than a prophet. By all rights, Jerry's death seems "tragic" because he was in his fifties whereas George Burns is reaching the far side of 100. Who led the fuller life is arguable (I hear Gracie's LSD was fairly potent) but certainly, more people mourned over Jerry's death than they would have over Burns' (in his advanced age, anyway). This led me to an interesting question: for every celebrity who's prematurely kicked it in the last few years, couldn't we come up with a more deserving one? Someone, maybe-- RELATED?

CELEBRITY DEAD          THE OOZE PICK         POSSIBLE CAUSE


Kurt Cobain	        Courtney Love	      Stage dives during concert;
                                              no one bothers to catch.

Mickey Mantle		Mickey Rooney	      Loses barfight
                                              with Billy Barty

Easy E		        Hammer		      Angry Capitol 
                                              Records exec hurls him off 
                                              roof of Hollywood HQ

Frank Zappa		Frank Perdue	      Bloody emasculation
                                              by feather plucking 
                                              factory device

Jackie Kennedy		 MTV's Kennedy 	      Takes bullet 
                                              meant for Lisa Loeb

That Guy From 
Blind Melon	         Michael Bolton	     Justice served

Tom Carvel		Carl, from   	     White supremacy
                        Carl's Jr            group gets address 
				             wrong;cross burns house
			 	             while the Carls sleep

John Lennon		  Ringo		     Crazed fan asks him
				             to sign copy of "Little 
				             Conductor" video. Real
				             train runs them down

Stevie Ray Vaughn	 Yngvie J.           Wire device which
		         Malmsteen           "flies" him across
                               	             concert arena speeds up
                                             accidentally; impaled on drumkit	

Divine			Bette Midler	    Eaten alive by a 
				            Grizzly Bear

John Belushi		Dan Aykroyd	    Sewage flood
				            during "House Of Blues" 
                                            radio hour

Fatty Arbuckle	     Rush Limbaugh	     Chokes on large,bulbous
                                             onion in Double Whopper

River Phoenix		 Pauly Shore	     Crucified during Sony
			                     Pictures' annual
				              4th of July family picnic

Paul Lynde	    JM J Bullock	        Believes he sees ghost of
		                   	        Ted Knight on freeway; jumps
		                         	from car and is crushed by
                                                 Trojans truck.

Andy Warhol		   Cristo               Makers of rival plastic wrap
                                                "custom strangle" artist with
                                                their own brand.

Billy Martin        George Steinbrenner       Home run accidentally dislodges
                                             "Diamond Vision" electronic
                                              scoreboard onto George's head

Mr. Ed			 Beethoven		 Syphilis

Jim Morrison		 Oliver Stone		Crew of "Natural Born KillersII"
                                                sets him on fire at cast party

Bette Davis		 Kim Carnes		 Acute oblivion

Lorne Greene	    	Any member of 	        Fatal acne
                         "Green Day"

Andy Kaufman		Carrot Top		Jealous feud with Gallagher
                                                ends in tragic watermelon
                                                blow to the heart

Ooze Magazine The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits