From the Legal Office of
Horatio Epstein Esq.
Los Angeles, CA


Dear Concerned Parents, School Administrators, General Readers, Religious Leaders, Government Censors, Network Administrators, Corporate Policy Makers, People at NetNanny and Other Services that Block Websites to Corporate and Educational Clients:

It has come to the attention of Ooze Magazine that many Internet filtering services ban ooze.com from appearing on their networks. Schoolchildren in Maine, employees from important businesses like Blue Cross of Georgia, and even their powerful Hollywood Agent can not access Ooze Magazine at his terminal!

How did this happen?

Ooze has been arbitrarily declared "Pornographic" by the uninformed.

Ooze Magazine is an important part of any person’s education in the modern workforce. Where else can one find information about the inherent evil of Star Wars? Or learn what happens when an eggplant is shoved into an unsuspecting rectum? Or how to make millions of dollars just by staying at home licking envelopes! Ok- so that last one may be a bit offensive...

Ooze’s brand of education is like a virtual peek at two dogs furiously copulating outside the classroom window on a rainy day. Like opening up a package of razors and finding a shiny red apple. Or like peering into the neighbor’s living room late at night and discovering Mr. Wilson hog-tied to the chandelier while being flogged by a well-hung dwarf wearing nothing but a Richard Nixon mask.

In other words, "the truth."

To help sway potential censors to decide Ooze is NOT pornographic, we provide the following comparison chart:

	ONLINE PORNOGRAPHY vs. OOZE PRODUCT USE Online Porno: Used primarily as a masturbatory aid. Ooze: Used primarily as a procrastinatory aid. If used as a masturbatory aid, please seek medical attention. CREATORS Online Porno: Created by rich, sleazy men to make a fast buck looking to get chicks naked. Ooze: Created by poor, nerdy men to get a cheap laugh and look at themselves naked. ADVERTISING Online Porno: Actual content buried under pop-up ads for quality fisting videos featuring horny teenage sluts. Ooze: Actual content buried under pop-up ads for quality offshore gambling sites and failing Internet ventures. CONTENT Online Porno: The articles are fabricated, insubstantial fluff intended to pad out naked pictures. Ooze: The articles are fabricated, insubstantial fluff without the “helping hand” of naked pictures. EXPLOITATION Online Porno: Exploits women; makes millions of dollars. Ooze: Exploits men, women and children; fails to turn a profit.

Clearly, Ooze is not pornography - it’s Ooze - the muddy residue at the bottom of something important. Sure, it may be repugnant- but Ooze is also the life giving organic soup scientists theorize life sprang from. So if you attempt to block Ooze, then you are no better than Satan attempting to thwart God’s Will.

Are you bold enough to challenge the Creator Himself?

It is wrong to block Ooze. It interferes with the First Amendment. It is against the open nature of the Internet. Most importantly, Ooze needs every advertising penny it can earn to pay off its massive debts.

We know that not everyone will agree with us. For parties who truly wish to censor Ooze, we have produced the following Agreement. A failure to complete the Agreement AND censor Ooze will leave the said party liable for ten times the amount described below.

OOZE CENSORSHIP AGREEMENT