From the Legal Office of
Horatio Epstein Esq.
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Concerned Parents, School Administrators, General Readers, Religious Leaders, Government Censors, Network Administrators, Corporate Policy Makers, People at NetNanny and Other Services that Block Websites to Corporate and Educational Clients:
It has come to the attention of Ooze Magazine that many Internet filtering services ban ooze.com from appearing on their networks. Schoolchildren in Maine, employees from important businesses like Blue Cross of Georgia, and even their powerful Hollywood Agent can not access Ooze Magazine at his terminal!
How did this happen?
Ooze has been arbitrarily declared "Pornographic" by the uninformed.
Ooze Magazine is an important part of any persons education in the modern workforce. Where else can one find information about the inherent evil of Star Wars? Or learn what happens when an eggplant is shoved into an unsuspecting rectum? Or how to make millions of dollars just by staying at home licking envelopes! Ok- so that last one may be a bit offensive...
Oozes brand of education is like a virtual peek at two dogs furiously copulating outside the classroom window on a rainy day. Like opening up a package of razors and finding a shiny red apple. Or like peering into the neighbors living room late at night and discovering Mr. Wilson hog-tied to the chandelier while being flogged by a well-hung dwarf wearing nothing but a Richard Nixon mask.
In other words, "the truth."
To help sway potential censors to decide Ooze is NOT pornographic, we provide the following comparison chart:
||ONLINE PORNOGRAPHY vs. OOZE
Online Porno: Used primarily as a masturbatory aid.
Ooze: Used primarily as a procrastinatory aid. If used as a masturbatory aid, please seek medical attention.
Online Porno: Created by rich, sleazy men to make a fast buck looking to get chicks naked.
Ooze: Created by poor, nerdy men to get a cheap laugh and look at themselves naked.
Online Porno: Actual content buried under pop-up ads for quality fisting videos featuring horny teenage sluts.
Ooze: Actual content buried under pop-up ads for quality offshore gambling sites and failing Internet ventures.
Online Porno: The articles are fabricated, insubstantial fluff intended to pad out naked pictures.
Ooze: The articles are fabricated, insubstantial fluff without the helping hand of naked pictures.
Online Porno: Exploits women; makes millions of dollars.
Ooze: Exploits men, women and children; fails to turn a profit.
Clearly, Ooze is not pornography - its Ooze - the muddy residue at the bottom of something important. Sure, it may be repugnant- but Ooze is also the life giving organic soup scientists theorize life sprang from. So if you attempt to block Ooze, then you are no better than Satan attempting to thwart Gods Will.
Are you bold enough to challenge the Creator Himself?
It is wrong to block Ooze. It interferes with the First Amendment. It is against the open nature of the Internet. Most importantly, Ooze needs every advertising penny it can earn to pay off its massive debts.
We know that not everyone will agree with us. For parties who truly wish to censor Ooze, we have produced the following Agreement. A failure to complete the Agreement AND censor Ooze will leave the said party liable for ten times the amount described below.
OOZE CENSORSHIP AGREEMENT
Whereas Ooze Magazine (www.ooze.com) (or "The Magazine" or "Ooze" hereafter known as "The Greatest Publication of All Time and All Time to Come") is a humorous website enjoyed by millions in this Universe.
Whereas Ooze tackles subjects others dare not to- like "All About Sex," "The Finger," and "Science Fiction." Some circles may deem to label this "Mature Content."
Whereas several public and private institutions have banned Ooze Magazine from their network or Internet service since their clients obviously can not handle said "Mature Content."
Whereas Ooze Magazine begs the institutions that have banned said publication to allow their clients, employees, and/or dependents to access Ooze so they may be educated in matters sexual and/or otherwise.
Whereas Ooze IS censored, said party (YOU) should use paypal.com to send The Magazine a non-use license fee to cover the potential revenue we lose. That fee shall be equal to or greater than $0.28 per user in your network. This payment guarantees you are not obligated to serve ooze.com on your network.
Whereas is not normally used in everyday conversation, especially to start a sentence. Nor does regular correspondence use complicated vocabulary to obfuscate its meaning whereas legal declarations do. And you accept this.
SIGNED __________________________ DATE___________
Please paypal the declared amount to email@example.com. Then, print this form, sign, date and then scan it back into the computer and e-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org no more than 20 days after you first read this. A failure to follow instructions will result in a right for us to sue you for 10 times the license fee and for all legal expenses.
Un-ban Ooze, and you will owe us no money. Please do the right thing.
Horatio Epstein Esq.
Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe & Yankovic LLC
Los Angeles, CA
(contributions to Save The Ooze can be made via paypal)