A Reader's Guide to Household Lubricants
Todd Merriman
Over time, sexual relationships grow stale - even tired, old, and covered with sores. The intimate personal bond you share with yourself is the most stable and enduring, but even this can lose its zip. This is most unfortunate. While a subscription to the right magazine, regular Internet use and weekly episodes of G-String Divas can help keep things fresh, the simple use of new textural pleasures (i.e. lubricants) is often overlooked. As a service to Ooze's male readers (the girls can make their own gravy), I spent six weeks slathering myself with various lubes, lotions, gels and jellies in the most degrading, disturbing and self-gratifying ways to get the lowdown.

IN THE SHOWER
Although it’s not a great place to bring your magazines (unless laminated, which might be a good idea anyway), the shower is the most convenient place to masturbate in your home. You’re already naked and alone; the by-product of your self-pleasuring is easily rinsed away; and a slew of soaps, shampoos, conditioners, lotions, salves and ointments literally put the whole world in your hand.

SOAP AND SHAMPOO
Almost all soaps and shampoos are suitably slippery, but a significant drawback is ever present--when they get into the tip of your penis, they burn like hell. And nothing stops pleasure flow quicker than a spicy hot jalapeño pee-hole.

You should avoid coal tar solutions designed to relieve dandruff and psoriasis. At first, the tingling is a rare treat, but the exciting new sensation quickly gives way to a dull burning that only time, not rinsing, can relieve. Any gentle, otherwise pleasant breeze exacerbates the burn. Plus, the stuff smells awful, like a road crew putting down a layer of asphalt on your turnpike. The odor might help set the atmosphere for the fantasy about the hot woman, her overheated car and your blown head gasket, but your imagination would have to be stronger than the overwhelming fumes. End construction.

Lava soap should also be avoided. The bar soap intended to scrub away manly filth is ironically abrasive to your manhood. Conversely, moisturizing soaps and "beauty bars" yield a smoothness that doesn’t quite rinse away, producing a healthy-feeling, texturally pleasing penis.

"No More Tears" baby shampoo is easy on the eyes as well as the urethra. It's by Johnson & Johnson, a subliminal nod to its actual intent. The company’s baby oil is also top notch.

CONDITIONER AND CREAM
Conditioners can help nourish the usually scruffy pubic tuft while you service yourself, making for a silky smooth muff with plenty of bounce and body. One conditioner is as good as the next, except for the Dollar General Store brand, which not only failed to properly condition my short and curlies, but also caused them to turn blue. I then had to dye my hair blue to ensure that the curtains matched the carpet. Moral of the story - make sure you check the date on the bottle of any product you put near your groin.

Shaving cream maskes a suprisingly good lube- an aloe-based shaving gel being best. Just avoid the temptation to use your razor on an erect penis.

PRODUCTS IN THE KITCHEN
Kitchen products you want to avoid are cleaning agents, dish soaps and insect repellents. Ivory liquid makes for a particularly painful yank. Its viscosity quickly wanes and the soap attacks the area just behind the head, leading ultimately to skin flaking and a painful tenderness that lasts up to three days—not unlike being jacked off by my sophomore-year girlfriend, who wouldn’t take off her rings.

Palmolive, however, did not bring about the same excruciating results. The soft-on-hands, tough-on-grease formula is also gentle on the pecker.

JELLY AND JAM
KY jelly is great. Petroleum jelly is also very pleasing. Smucker’s strawberry preserves are not. All edible jams and jellies are too sugary, and thus, too sticky, for the task at hand. Plus, the seeds play abrasive hell with your gristle missile.

Likewise, the stickiness of Hershey’s chocolate syrup made for an unpleasant pull standing alone. If you heat it up in the microwave and pour it over vanilla ice cream the alternating hot-cold sensation is intriguing, but the awkwardness of fucking a bowl of ice cream limits this to the once-a-decade category.

Technical Note: There is no data available on soft-serve ice cream, as the soft-serve machine nearest my home is at Ryan’s Steak House—not a very private environment, and I am only willing to go so far in the name of science.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF LIPIDS
Most lipids, like vegetable oil, lard and margarine feel wonderful, even if they are a little hard to clean up. Peanut butter does not feel wonderful, to say the least, nor does apple butter, applesauce, tartar sauce or French dressing. Ranch and blue cheese dressings were pleasant surprises.

MEDICINE CABINET
Tough-actin’ Tinactin was a shocker. It ranks right up there with Jergen’s hand lotion for giving a long-lasting smoothness that, even when rubbed completely in the skin, there’s no need to re-apply. I discovered the jock itch medicine when, three weeks into my research, I developed a mysterious rash. I went in search of something that would stop the itch but I still haven’t found that product. I have however, been through five tubes of Tinactin. The obvious dilemma now is that my pharmacist doesn’t know I’m jerking off, but she’s starting to recommend I see a doctor for my condition.
We hope this important guide will not only assist you in your masturbatory pleasures, but also help you discover hours of sexual adventure in your own cabinets. Happy handplay, and Merry Masturbating!


Todd Merriman lives an all-too convenient distance from the community mental health centre on a small island in the Caribbean.

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