- Captain NoitAll

I heard somewhere that if you stayed awake for 3 or more days, you'd hallucinate like you were on drugs, but without the nasty side effects like addiction and heart attacks. I had to try it, for scientific purposes ONLY, of course. I would stay up as long as I could (I was hoping for at least 3 days) and document it.

I waited until spring break rolled around and armed myself with caffeine and chocolate. This is the journal I kept:

Day 1: This day went smoothly. I made sure I drank lots of caffeine and I invited a friend over to keep vigil on me through out the night. Late night TV like Jerry Springer helped pass the time. You can't beat a good white trash fight. I got sleepy early the next morning but the the sun came up so we went outside and stuff.

Day 2: The day went by quickly until about 7 o'clock that night. Then it hit. The twitching started; small but noticeable. I also caught myself drooling from time to time. The night was a tough one but lots of porn and Cheetos helped pull me through. I thought I was going to make it.

Day 3: All right, time for the fun to start. I couldn't wait. But then unexpected thing started to happen. I would sit down on the couch for some good quality TV time and the next thing I knew, I was standing in front of the fridge with the door wide open. Cool. While I was there I consumed some more caffeine. Then I made my way over to the computer. Surely a good game would help out. I was chugging along on some game and then BAM! I'm sitting on the toilet with my pants down. HHmmm...not as fun as the fridge but it was kind of neat. This happened through out the day and then night came.

I won't say much because it still frightens me, but these horrible little "sleep goblins" came and attacked me with their little wands or whatever. I was out like a light.

Day 4: I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Damn! All that work and I was only magically transported around the house (I think I just sleep walked a little bit) and then I'm attacked by goblins. I wanted to see naked chicks and stuff, but I guess beggars can't be choosers.

CONCLUSION: It was a vastly entertaining experience and gave me a slight buzz for the next several days. More experimentation is necessary before any final conclusions can be drawn, but I would highly recommend that any enterprising student of science try this for themselves.

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Ooze Magazine The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits