Cool-Uncool

Do you want to be Cool like the staff of Ooze? This guide will help you recognize what is Cool and what is Uncool in your life. If you use this guide to identify and eliminate the Uncool stuff, you'll wind up cool. So cool, you'll be invited to all the hippest parties... again and again!

COOL:
Six hot, naked babes in a hot tub all to yourself.
UNCOOL:
Six hot, naked babies in a bathtub, who shit on themselves.

COOL:
You're dying of thirst in the desert but find a canteen in the sand.
UNCOOL:
It is filled with gourmet mustard.

COOL:
The cash machine accidentally gives you extra cash.
UNCOOL:
The cash machine accidentally gives you herpes.

COOL:
Inexpensive used clothing.
UNCOOL:
Inexpensive, used tampons.

COOL:
A party with unlimited beer.
UNCOOL:
A party with unlimited leprosy.

COOL:
Kurt Cobain rises from the dead to play a concert for your birthday.
UNCOOL:
Harry S. Truman rises from the dead to play with your genitals for his birthday.

COOL:
You finally get reunited with your long lost, biological mother.
UNCOOL:
Mom starts giving you the eye.

COOL:
A sexy woman performs an exotic dance of the seven veils exclusively for you.
UNCOOL:
Her prosthetic arm falls into your wine glass.

COOL:
Your Mom cooks you a giant, succulent turkey.
UNCOOL:
When you go to carve it, your Dad's hand thrusts out of the back waving wildly, covered in stuffing.

COOL:
You sell your soul to the Devil to be a famous guitarist.
UNCOOL:
You still can't even play an E chord. The Devil laughs at you. What a Sucker!

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Ooze #6 ----- Fall '95
Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits