SPECIAL BOOK PREVIEW

Through a series of ruthless bribes, cheap extortion attempts, dumb luck and one or two really hot transvestite hookers, Ooze was able to obtain several original chapters of Newt Gingrich's book, To Renew America. While the Ooze correspondent who managed to capture these pages tried desperately to sell them to traditional media outlets -- rather than give them up to his own notoriously stingy employer -- he was told explicitly (in one case was struck repeatedly in the groin and face by an editor at Newsweek) that they would never reveal the terrible truth to a public whose brain would be too addled to buy new Power-aide or handcrafted, environmentally responsible tampons. They were probably also afraid of getting sued for printing something that no jury would ever believe were the actual words of one of the most powerful men in America. Luckily for the open-minded public, Ooze has no qualms about lying, falsifying documents and otherwise whoring itself in the public interest. It also has no assets worth seizing. Viva la libertad!

The Unexpurgated To Renew America

Formerly titled:America, Bitches Under My Thumb
By Newt Gingrich

When I was a child growing up in the orphanage there was a little kid there named Maury, who was obviously a jew and most likely a faggot. He was always complaining that a gang of kids was harassing him, beating him up, trying to drown him in the toilet. You know, funny kid stuff like that. He tried to convince the priest that I was the leader of this little gang.

He said that I picked on him because he exposed a ponzi scheme I was running, bilking the other orphans out of candy and money. Everything Maury said was true. I was the leader of this gang and I had either conned kids out of their money or just taken it from the weaker ones. But you know what the priest did when Maury tried to rat me out? He slapped him and told him that his little kike soul would burn in hell for murdering Our Lord Jesus Christ and never to bring it up again. What makes the story so interesting, and so educational, is that the priest also knew that Maury was telling the truth.

In fact, I would say that this event was probably the most important political learning event of my early life. See, what Maury didn't know is that after dinner I would often go to the priest's room and give him a hand-job or let him dress me up like the baby Jesus. The priest took photographs of our little get together and I managed to get a hold of one and keep it in a safe place. I had the priest right in the palm of my hand, so to speak.

He would never do anything to hurt me, or even cause me an inconvenience, because he knew I could destroy his life. Even if Maury had told the priest I'd strangled a little kid in the showers the priest would help me cover it up. And by the way, the rumors about that are just not true. See, what I learned that day is that you should always ally yourself with power so that the power has a vested interest in your success.

Today I'm using that very power to suck up to corporate interests and to pulverize the weak -- poor people, black people, poor, black people, etc. And every time I do that I gain more supporters. And if you have any doubts about my strategy just remember, I'm the Speaker of the Fucking House and could have your ass for breakfast.

Now, some of you are probably wondering what happened to Maury after this story. Well, once the priest turned on him, and after we took away everything he owned and tormented him for a while, we got tired of it and convinced him to run away. I think he died later, but I'm not sure.

Newt's Saying: You can be on the winning team or the losing team. But it's better to be on the winning team because then you get to win.

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