Campus Career Bulletin

Careers in Petroleum Transfer
With skyrocketing prices and a tense international situation, the Oil industry has experienced a recent boom. Most Oil companies are now hiring Petroleum Transfer Engineers in entry level positions now. A solid Liberal Arts education can only begin to prepare most people for the rigors of petroleum transfer. Described in Fortune magazine as the "feel good" occupation of the 90's, pumping gas at a full service pump for spare change is the wave of the future. English majors preferred.

How to Write Goodly
When you goes out to the world, it alwayz help to get an good job if youz know how rite. No one would never hire no one who don't know how to right wright and spell corectily. Wes should knows. Com to our semminar and learn whow to write at your most bestest. Your fututre depends on it. Reely...

Make $30,000 This Semester!
Steal it!

Campus Recruiting
RJR Nabisco is looking for Seniors who want to start a career in taste testing. Upcoming projects include testing a new line of sour cream and chive flavored cigarettes. Graduates with a hankering for coughing up black phlegm should apply.

Armour Beef Corp. is seeking Seniors interested in entry-level veal farming. Raise cute little cows stuffed into wooden crates in the loving environment of your own home. All for big profit! Hormones and saws for severing limbs are provided.

NASA will be interviewing students to test a new potentially fatal G-force machine. Great benefits for those who survive.


Hustler is looking for Juniors and Sophomores interested in the burgeoning pornography industry. Learn photography, editing, and full body massaging from the pros. All interested parties, please send a resume, cover letter, and naked photograph. Stipend varies with duties performed. Other opportunities available at Oui, Juggs, Cheri, and Inches. Light typing required.

Con Edison - Work in a nuclear facility under completely safe conditions. Absolutely safe. Really. Process plutonium with the pros and glow.

Tampax is looking for women to work in their special testing lab this summer. Earn a $2000 stipend and all the tampons you can eat testing their new foot-long uterine-blocker.

The Mafia is hiring economics majors to learn how to juggle finances. They are also seeking Physical Education majors who would like to learn more about bodyguarding and beating uppity shop owners. Large stipend and bonuses. Numerous opportunities for advancement within the family.

The Galleria Mall is interviewing potential interns in the security department. Learn how to harass and apprehend roving gangs of snot-nosed shoplifting punks without a weapon. Spiffy new uniform and $4 stipend provided.

With the ample opportunities we've provided you at our college it shouldn't be hard to find employment at any fast food restaurant you wish.

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Ooze #6 ----- Fall '95
Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits