The success of "The Flintstones" and "The Brady Bunch Movie" pretty much assures that we'll see more big screen versions of television shows in the future. But why hasn't anyone had the brilliant vision to channel that other electronic, wave-driven national medium into cinematic genius? No, not the telegraph. I'm talking about radio. Big stars. Big ideas. Big box office. Here's the pitch:

"SEX BOMB" (Action/Adventure)
Dr. Ruth Westheimer plays a sex therapist who is thrown into a web of international intrigue. When Libyan terrorists kidnap our President and threaten to blow up the First Lady's G-spot, Dr. Ruth must play a deadly cat and mouse game with the terrorists' knowledge of human anatomy to insure that they never FIND her G-spot. Annette Benning and Robert Graffenberg co-star.

Forget Howard Stern's "Private Parts". Next summer's screens will be dominated by one of the most colorful characters in Stern's radio "Wack Pack": Fred, the Elephant Boy, who lends his voice to this animated feature about a severely retarded pachyderm who joins up with a lisping little boy to travel across the African jungle, to a land where big-breasted women are willing sex slaves and speech impediments are cool. Kenneth Keith Callenbach and Amy Lynn supply voices for the fabled tribesmen Chomsky and Bromski.

Making his big screen debut, Rush Limbaugh plays a right-wing cannibal extremist who sneaks a seat in the House Of Representatives by eating the carcass of Sonny Bono and disguising himself in Sonny's epidermis. Jodie Foster plays a detective and close friend of Cher's, who when visiting the rockin' Congressman, begins to get a little suspicious upon noticing Sonny's stretched out chin melting into the Pan Fried Duck during dinner.

CNN's talkmeister steps out and shows his true colors as a rock n' roll legend. Backed by the band U2 on a national concert tour, filmed at Giants Stadium and the LA Sports Arena, the King performs such standards as "Lamb's Blood For Virgins", "Bone Butcher", and "Satan Is Alive And Well and Living Inside The Frames Of My Glasses". Watch as Larry flies over the audience on a pair of wires and check out his fifteen minute drum solo in the rotating cage! But, be sure to go for the snack break during "Space".

The two middle aged hosts of the popular show "Car Talk" here play two wisecracking Brooklynites who make a series of hilarious prank calls to invalids and members of the priesthood. "Bobby Z" and "Jamal" find themselves running from the law when they accidentally tell an old crippled woman she can fix her car engine with Liquid Plumber, Baccardi, and a butane lighter. Ha ha ha! Estelle Getty co-stars as the rightfully pissed, burned-to-a-crisp old biddy.

E.S. -Caligula@aol.com

[Bullet] Animals Hannibal Unsuccessfully Tried to Cross the Alps With
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Ooze #6 ----- Fall '95

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits