Inkblot Test Revealed!

Perhaps one day you will be led down a long, white, sanitized hall and led into a thickly carpeted, paneled office where a cheerful, pipe-smoking, mental-health professional will ask you what you see in some pretty blots of ink. The first publication of Hermann Rorschach's 10 inkblots was in 1921, but few outside the field of psychiatry know what they look like much less what they mean. Here, for the first time, we present the five blots we managed to sneak out of Lezpeig and their accepted "answers". It might be good idea to familiarize yourself with these responses so they won't know how crazy you really are.

=^][^= 1) Many disturbed people misidentify this blot as a misshapen hotdog, wounded mastodon, or tax collector with a large Armani briefcase about to rape an ibex. You might not guess at first glance, but this card represents what you think of your father. The brownish authority figure looms over the small dots around it, its "third leg" swaggering in its full display of proud manhood. A good answer to feed mental health professionals is to point directly at them and say, "you". They'll warm right up to you.

${*\ç/*}$ 2) This inviting figure is representative of the mother-figure. Abnormal responses to this lusty vaginal shape include: hairy vagina, warm slippery cave, or airport hangar. An 'Insane!' warning bell will go off if you insist it's a mutilated cow, or the bust of Redd Foxx. Stick to either 'nice lady in the library', or the bust of a more innocuous celebrity, like Ricardo Montoban.

$.\/.$ 3) Beware of this "trick" inkblot. Answers that typically suggest a problem here include: flatulent milk-cow, potato salad, or the President. Although at first glance it may appear to be something else, in reality, it's just some splotches of ink. Explain to the tester you will not be so easily fooled as the other dupes that come into the office. No matter how much they plead, remember, it's just some crappy ink. It's not a flower, a doggie or two demonic zombies raping a six-fingered woman. I swear.

Ť^«^Ť 4) This multi-colored inkblot represents how you see yourself in your environment. Cloud-like white blots surround a globe-shape and a black shadow hangs over the whole scene. Good answers include: Supreme Commander, OverLord of Earth, Hitler, and XathNon Stealer of Souls. Answers that could be interpreted as crazy would include: Postman, turnip, or anything alluding to shoes. If you want the tester to think you're incredibly intelligent, turn the card sideways and tell them it looks like the boundaries of pre-unified Prussia circa 1861.

:)(: 5) The best response to this blot is to chortle merrily and expose your genitals to the tester. This might distract him long enough to let you leap out the open bay window and flop down three stories down to freedom.

Study this document hard, and good luck! You'll be back on the street mumbling to yourself before you know it.

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