Former Ooze corespondent Biffy Winkler disappeared from our offices last January under mysterious circumstances. Recently, a hastily scrawled scrap of paper from an old Sears catalog found its way into our P.O. box. We think that this fragment of a diar y is Biffy's way of telling us he is adjusting to his new environment well, but we can't be sure.
Day 1, Friday Evening:
Bosephus and I decided that the week was so good, we should do something fun tonight. We decide that spotlighting deer would be best. While out in the woods behind our trailer park, Bosephus and I cum across a Negro. We spot-light him. Then I asked Bo sephus if spotlight was a verb. Turns out 'cording to the Chicago Manual of Style it may be used as one. I decide that the next time I'm going to ask Bosephus a question, I'll shoot him through the liver first. The Negro does not take too well to all t his spotlighting and begins to cus us out. Bosephus is taken aback by his orneriness (the Negro's, that is) and shoots him twice in the face. Sadly, I was too busy trying to open the bottle of Robutussin to get a good look at the action. Around eleven o'clock I drive my truck off the road and into a phone pole. Luckily we picked up some prostitutes at the Mouse's Ear and one of them was sitting on my lap. I believe that her breasts were real.
Day 2, Saturday:
I awake in jail which is much, much cleaner than my room in my mom's trailer. The food is about the same though. After being severely beaten and anally assaulted by a Negro prisoner with a tattoo that reads, McGovern in 72 on his forehead, Bosephus and myself are released. This is much like a morning at home except that I'm usually not set free so early. I get home just in time to catch the X-Men who are being sorely put upon by a group of cyborg Australians known as the Reavers. Beast is my favorite X-Man. Bosephus and I have a brief disagreement over whether Beast would have a larger than normal dick. I think that he would. Bosephus disagreed. His ad hominum attacks finally force me to slash his other ear off with a broken bottle of BuyLow Barg ain Whiskey. Luckily it was almost empty.
Day 3, Sunday Morning:
I wake up early and sneak into my Mama's bathroom and eat a handful of her Xanex. I also take a bottle of Aqua Net to wash them down. In a moment of paralyzing blindness as the drugs take effect, I realize Mama's been dead for four years and briefly won der who's trailer this is. Spend the rest of the day in a coma.
Day 4, Monday:
Back to work at the Tyson factory on Westland Road gutting chicken. Bosephus finally took the rented Ryder truck downtown for a little spin. Oh happy day!
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The Journal of SSubstance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits