-Eddie Schmidt (caligula@aol.com)

Thought you learned a lot in all those history classes? The dates of the Civil War, insights into Nixon's relationship with China, blah blah blah. Fine. But do you really know your history makers? Can you comprehend how these men and women made young hearts swoon? Why their rhetoric and deeds led to fruitless crushes and 8x10 posters in high school lockers?

We here at OOZE, in the continuing quest for journalistic integrity, dug up a huge, moldy stack of periodicals from a time long past (even going to microfiche for some of the Old Testament stuff) in order to find out just how- HOT -these newsmakers were in their day. You'll be surprised at the data we dug up.

Abraham Lincoln
NICKNAMES: Honest Abe, Honest Hebe, Stinky Linky
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: A night at the theater--no interruptions--
FAVORITE BOOK: Benjamin Franklin's "Private Parts"
WHAT WE MIGHT FIND IN HIS WALLET: Four score and twenty condoms.
WISH FOR THE FUTURE: "Shave beard, grow mustache, don eyeglasses and record song parody of 'Star Spangled Banner' entitled 'Star Spangled Banana'".
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "Even if he doesn't free the slaves, he can still free me!" (Ebony)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Somewhere between Corey Feldman and Professor Irwin Corey.

Genghis Khan
NICKNAMES: The Genguin, Genghis Fungus, Khan Artist
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Gorging on free buffet while his enemies slice each other apart with swords
FAVORITE SONG: "Chopsticks"
WISH FOR THE FUTURE: Hot bath and a pedicure
WHAT WE MIGHT FIND IN HIS WALLET: Someone's finger
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "He can slay my village any day" (Sassy), "The sexiest savage alive" (People), "No match for Ricardo Montalban" (Starlog)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Not quite Antonio Banderas; hunkier than Jackie Chan

Jesus Christ
NICKNAMES: Jeez, Gee Whiz!, Christ-o-Rama-yo-Mama
FAVORITE COLOR: Brown balsa wood with turpentine finish
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Mary Magdalene in a thong bikini
FAVORITE SONG: "Spirit In The Sky", Norman Greenbaum
PET PEEVE: Stigmatas, thorns
RECURRING DREAM: I'm sliding down a "a pink waterfall and chosen to save mankind from sin. Then I turn into a giant waffle and float over Yankee Stadium."
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "He and his Father are both hunky!" (Tiger Beat), "
"He's the savior, all right...the savior of my lap!" (BOP) "Easily kicks Moses' ass" (Spy)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Miles above today's heathen competition

Betsy Ross
NICKNAMES: Backroom Bets, Betsy Wetsy, Ross Hogg
FAVORITE COLOR: Red, white, and blue, red, white, and blue, red, white, and...
HER IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Rumpy pumpy with John Quincy Adams underneath the desk where they signed the Declaration of Independence
FAVORITE BOOK: "Men Are From New Hampshire, Women Are From Delaware"
OPINIONS OF HER IN HER DAY: "Her knit's da shit" (Vibe), "Sew what?" (Sassy), "Ms. Ross' performance as 'Marion' in the TV series 'Happy Days' is a welcome change from past roles" (Vincent Canby; NY Times)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Two rungs above Liz Phair, a rung below Lisa Kudrow

Mozart
NICKNAMES: Wolfgangbang, Mozart Garfunkel, Bodacious Amadeus
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: A naked woman on top of a naked piano, holding a naked monkey
FAVORITE SONG: "Rock Me Amadeus", Falco
WHAT WE MIGHT FIND IN HIS WALLET: Incriminating Polaroids of Faranelli and a donkey.
PET PEEVE: Arnold Schwartzeneger
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "I don't eat meat, but I'll make an exception for his Vienna sausage!" (Sassy), "Alternative rocker sells out" (SPIN)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Comparable to Macaulay Culkin, if he still had a career.

Joan Of Arc
NICKNAMES: Joan Alone, Joanie Loves Chachi, Arc The Herald Angels Sing
HER IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: While sharing sodas at the maltshop, she and her date have a religious epiphany encouraging them to slay Muslims together.
FAVORITE COLOR: First menstruation
FAVORITE BOOK: "Are You There God, it's Me, Margaret" (Judy Blume)
FAVORITE SONG: "One Of Us", Joan Osborne
SECRET CRUSH: Marky Mark
OPINIONS OF HER IN HER DAY: "A real teen leader!" (Young Ms), "A precocious anorexic" (Spy), "The hottest little minkie on the battlefield" (Penthouse)

Sigmund Freud
NICKNAMES: Sig Newton, Sigmund The Sea Monster, Pink Freud
FAVORITE COLOR: Well-formed ink blot
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Mutual confession on leather couches followed by a midnight touching of the beard.
FAVORITE SONG: "Obsession" , "Animotion"
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "Dreamy little round glasses!" (Tiger Beat), "My desires for him are obviously the result of a distant father figure." (Vanity Fair), "Went corporate after the whole id thing" (SPIN)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: Seinfeld, without the jokes

Mona Lisa
NICKNAMES: Mone Alone, Mona Leeza Gibbons, Mona Lisa And Cult Jam
HER IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Sitting still for days, weeks, and months on end.
WISH FOR THE FUTURE: If DaVinci would invent some eye drops to fix that annoying stare.
SECRET CRUSH: Fabio
OPINIONS OF HER IN HER DAY: "Skinny little ho" (Sassy) "Not exactly what her image suggests" (Vanity Fair), "Just another girl who slept her way inside a picture frame" (Ms.)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: The original supermodel

King Tut
NICKNAMES: Burger King, Pizza Tut, Beavis And Tutthead
FAVE PIECE OF CLOTHING: Gold headdress by Stussy
HIS IDEA OF A PERFECT DATE: Cruise along the Nile in a barge, throwing empty beer cans at his slaves.
FAVORITE SONG: N/A; but "would like to kill that Steve Martin guy"
OPINIONS OF HIM IN HIS DAY: "Foxy 'Pharaoh' Slays Weekend BO" (Daily Variety) "If there's grass on the infield, it's time to play ball!" (Writing on bathroom wall; ancient Cairo)
CURRENT HEARTTHROB RATING: John F. Kennedy, Jr., anyone?

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