-excerpted from Ripley's Book Of Absolutely True, Totally Useless Facts (Harper, Roe, Wade; 1984)
Russell Hoffmeier of Nutbush, Wisconsin, suffered the
Biggest Acne Outburst In One Day: a whopping sixty pimples
and nineteen blackheads! These blemishes appeared
throughout a Saturday in 1963 after he ate nothing
but chocolate and potato chips and refused to wash,
even after an afternoon of olive oil wrestling!
Leroy Mason of Ossining, New York became the first
Teenager To Admit He Never Masturbated! A close inspection
of Mason's palms, genitals, and secret magazine stack
in the woods revealed that the boy had no normal sexual
interest whatsoever! However, Mason later testified
in court that he had several intense orgasms after
murdering most of the neighbors on his block.
Claire Chapman of Surrey, England holds the title for
Teenager Never Exposed To Drinking, Drugs, or Illicit
Substances. Wabash's formative years (1952-1959) were
spent inside an 8' by 12' black box designed by psychologist
B.F. Skinner. While she had many friends during this
period, most were either imaginary or shaped like dust
bunnies. Though Wabash never turned to drugs or to
drink during her life, she did harbor an addiction
to strong electrical currents.
Peter Weiner-Dickballs of Edmonton, Alberta, is the
Most Ridiculed Teen, with an incredible 23,789 recorded
cases of mental and physical abuse. Amazingly, none
of these incidents had to do with Weiner-Dickballs'
unusual name, but rather because he was a cripple!
Susan B. McGinty of Belfast, Ireland, is far and away
the Teen With The Widest Ass. It measured almost 6'
in diameter in the summer of 1972. Despite what some
would call a debilitating handicap, McGinty proved
very popular with the boys and went on to pose for
the Irish version of Playboy magazine ("Father
O'Malley's Catholic Follies").
Luigi Pantolillio of Naples, Italy, is the amazing
Teen To Never Be Refused For A Date. Pantolillio,
an exceptionally handsome young man during his peak
years (1878-1880) asked out one hundred eleven women,
and all said yes almost immediately! But even with
these romantic successes, Pantolillio was terribly
insecure. He only found true carnal happiness later
in life, with a long black leather belt named "Susan".
He was survived by 436 children, none of whom he had
ever met.
Heidi Olafson of Holland, Amsterdam, won fame as the
Least Rebellious Teenager In History. During her teen
years (1922-1929), she was kind to her siblings, listened
to teachers and parents, and never lied to anyone.
Olafson rarely spoke, which unfortunately led to her
parents mistaking her for a bookcase (1927-1928).
She went on to live a long and healthy life, even burning
her bra as a senior citizen during the turbulent 1960s!
It was later discovered, however, to be the result
of a gas fire and not a political act.
-eddie "never a teen himself" schmidt (caligula@aol.com)
Celebrate Good Times Boyfriend Survey
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