-excerpted from Ripley's Book Of Absolutely True, Totally Useless Facts (Harper, Roe, Wade; 1984)
Russell Hoffmeier of Nutbush, Wisconsin, suffered the Biggest Acne Outburst In One Day: a whopping sixty pimples and nineteen blackheads! These blemishes appeared throughout a Saturday in 1963 after he ate nothing but chocolate and potato chips and refused to wash, even after an afternoon of olive oil wrestling!
Leroy Mason of Ossining, New York became the first Teenager To Admit He Never Masturbated! A close inspection of Mason's palms, genitals, and secret magazine stack in the woods revealed that the boy had no normal sexual interest whatsoever! However, Mason later testified in court that he had several intense orgasms after murdering most of the neighbors on his block.
Claire Chapman of Surrey, England holds the title for Teenager Never Exposed To Drinking, Drugs, or Illicit Substances. Wabash's formative years (1952-1959) were spent inside an 8' by 12' black box designed by psychologist B.F. Skinner. While she had many friends during this period, most were either imaginary or shaped like dust bunnies. Though Wabash never turned to drugs or to drink during her life, she did harbor an addiction to strong electrical currents.
Peter Weiner-Dickballs of Edmonton, Alberta, is the Most Ridiculed Teen, with an incredible 23,789 recorded cases of mental and physical abuse. Amazingly, none of these incidents had to do with Weiner-Dickballs' unusual name, but rather because he was a cripple!
Susan B. McGinty of Belfast, Ireland, is far and away the Teen With The Widest Ass. It measured almost 6' in diameter in the summer of 1972. Despite what some would call a debilitating handicap, McGinty proved very popular with the boys and went on to pose for the Irish version of Playboy magazine ("Father O'Malley's Catholic Follies").
Luigi Pantolillio of Naples, Italy, is the amazing Teen To Never Be Refused For A Date. Pantolillio, an exceptionally handsome young man during his peak years (1878-1880) asked out one hundred eleven women, and all said yes almost immediately! But even with these romantic successes, Pantolillio was terribly insecure. He only found true carnal happiness later in life, with a long black leather belt named "Susan". He was survived by 436 children, none of whom he had ever met.
Heidi Olafson of Holland, Amsterdam, won fame as the Least Rebellious Teenager In History. During her teen years (1922-1929), she was kind to her siblings, listened to teachers and parents, and never lied to anyone. Olafson rarely spoke, which unfortunately led to her parents mistaking her for a bookcase (1927-1928). She went on to live a long and healthy life, even burning her bra as a senior citizen during the turbulent 1960s! It was later discovered, however, to be the result of a gas fire and not a political act.
-eddie "never a teen himself" schmidt (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits