The only good piece of hate mail we have was sent by someone who read a website review I wrote for the March '96 issue of net magazine (Check out my reviews from March-June '96). The review in question was critical of a guy's webpage (Phil's Plethora of Pages) which is based out of James Madison University. I said, "[The poor organization of the site] could have something to do with living in Lynchburg, VA. Last time I was there it reeked of dog food from a local factory."
Dear Mr. Patterson-
When was the last time you were in Lynchburg, VA? I don't know of anyone who has heard of a dog food factory anywhere around here. I don't think that anyone living in the crime infested armpit called Los Angeles has any room pointing noses at anyone else's cities. I would like to see an apology in 'the net' magazine in the near future.
From the city that smells better than yours,
James Madison University, where the web page is based, is actually located in Harrisonburg, a progressive city of 30,000 located in the heart of Virginia's historic Shenandoah Valley which I visited in 1991. I mixed the that city's name up with yours. Those Virginian "burg" cities are easy to confuse. Lynchburg is that charming little city where everyone wears tri-cornered hats and makes candles by hand. My mistake! All the crime and smells around here are so distracting.
You don't have enough funny reading on the subject of turds. Thank you. Also, my friends say you never spoofed on Robert Frost's "Mending Wall". Maybe you could throw in some sort of turd tie-in.
From: Doug_Metzner@NBMI.COM (Doug Metzner)
I could publish an Ozymandius where he proclaims he
is King of Turds, or a Xanadu where Kubla Khan makes
a stately pleasure turd, but I am out of poetry for
I haven't read the "Mending Wall" since 8th grade, but I can throw in all the Frost references I can think of into a single epic:
Two paths diverge in my ass
But my Turds choose
the path less traveled
A good poop makes
and miles to go before I shit
and miles to go before I shit
I could publish an Ozymandius where he proclaims he is King of Turds, or a Xanadu where Kubla Khan makes a stately pleasure turd, but I am out of poetry for this issue.I like to describe, how may this be done?
Describing, like any profession, takes a great many years of study and professional aptitude testing before you can receive a federal license. Many undergraduate programs have professional training in adjectives and adverbs, as well as the more advanced techniques like metaphor and simile. Oxymorons and their ilk are strictly post graduate work and we suggest you try applying to Harvard, Princeton or Oxford's advanced description labs. Are you sure you didn't want a subscription? -MJ From: JFinley502
My buddy has been sending your Mag since the first issue and there is now quite a following in the dark halls of Apple. As a wage slave I find it a joy to sneak a look at the great articles and images while my slave driver boss is away. Thank you for giving me something to do other than playing Marathon for 9 hours a day. And they wonder why Apple is falling apart...
Apple was a pretty difficult nut to crack. We originally started sabotaging your company with a cleverly designed psychological campaign after Ooze's first computer was stolen and we wanted to drive the price of our hardware down. What better way than to make you overstock billions of dollars of cheap Performas? With Apple out of the way the market will be awash with cheap used equipment perfect for constructing our empire of sin and depravity. Incidentally, we were also responsible for putting the quabosh on Interactive TV, and after we're through with you, we're going to destroy Microsoft, NetScape, and AOL too! That will leave OozeOS '97 and The Oozenet as the only options available to the masses. Oh, how we look forward to that day. -MJ From: Hydro C
Subj: fish candy
Ha Ha, clever boy, I've got you now, don't I?
Nice publication. How come no funny boys go to school with me? Why do only stupid boys ask me out? Why does everyone lie so much? Why do I lie so much?
Where's my candy? Why can't I get a job?
My weasel bites my legs while I sleep.
I want five dozen ampules of AMYL NITRITE, please.
Yeah, I've got one fuck of a case of ANGINA PECTORIS.
The point here is my request for subscription to ooze, in the macintosh format.
Hi, nice to meet you. Would you like to go out sometime?
I can't help it, I am obsessed with monkeys.
Shut up, you're just babbling at this point. Why do you always bother me when I'm just about to make my point? You've never made a sane point in your life.
I'm sorry. Please don't be afraid.
The boys who ask me out rarely have Spectacles and they think D&D is a Satan worship game.
Are you afraid that If you give me your real name I will come Stalk you?
I'm a good stalker.
To answer all your questions:
1) No, you don't have me.
2) Funny boys probably do go to school with you, but they're smart enough to know you're obviously crazy.
3) To ask you out, I would have to be crazy
4) No one is lying to you. You're just crazy.
5) You must like lying because you're crazy.
6) Someone ate your candy bar or it's where you left it. Possibly, since you're so crazy, you think your pet bird is a candy bar, and it has since flown away.
7) No one will hire you because you're clearly crazy.
8) I would love to go out sometime and perform a simple operation on you.
9) I haven't interrupted you once, in fact that's impossible to interrupt someone in written discourse, unless of course, the computer "speaks" directly into your head.
10) No, I'm not afraid that you'll stalk me because I am well armed. Very well armed. -MJ Send your psychotic ramblings to firstname.lastname@example.org
-MJ is MJ at email@example.com
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits