The only good piece of hate mail we have was sent by someone who read a website review I wrote for the March '96 issue of net magazine (Check out my reviews from March-June '96). The review in question was critical of a guy's webpage (Phil's Plethora of Pages) which is based out of James Madison University. I said, "[The poor organization of the site] could have something to do with living in Lynchburg, VA. Last time I was there it reeked of dog food from a local factory."
Dear Mr. Patterson-
When was the last time you were in Lynchburg, VA? I
don't know of anyone who has heard of a dog food factory
anywhere around here. I don't think that anyone living
in the crime infested armpit called Los Angeles has
any room pointing noses at anyone else's cities. I
would like to see an apology in 'the net' magazine
in the near future.
From the city that smells better than yours,
JEFF.INKS@centrahealth.com
Lynchburg, VA
Dear Sir:
James Madison University, where the web page is based,
is actually located in Harrisonburg, a progressive
city of 30,000 located in the heart of Virginia's historic
Shenandoah Valley which I visited in 1991. I mixed
the that city's name up with yours. Those Virginian
"burg" cities are easy to confuse. Lynchburg
is that charming little city where everyone wears tri-cornered
hats and makes candles by hand. My mistake! All
the crime and smells around here are so distracting.
Dear Ooze:
You don't have enough funny reading on the subject of
turds. Thank you. Also, my friends say you never spoofed
on Robert Frost's "Mending Wall". Maybe you
could throw in some sort of turd tie-in.
From: Doug_Metzner@NBMI.COM (Doug Metzner)
Doug:
I could publish an Ozymandius where he proclaims he
is King of Turds, or a Xanadu where Kubla Khan makes
a stately pleasure turd, but I am out of poetry for
this issue.
I haven't read the "Mending Wall" since 8th
grade, but I can throw in all the Frost references
I can think of into a single epic:Poop Wall
Two paths diverge in my ass
But my Turds choose
the path less traveled
A good poop makes
good neighbors
and miles to go before I shit
and miles to go before I shit
-Zeeberex@aol.com thanks
Dear Zeeberex:
Describing, like any profession, takes a great many
years of study and professional aptitude testing before
you can receive a federal license. Many undergraduate
programs have professional training in adjectives and
adverbs, as well as the more advanced techniques like
metaphor and simile. Oxymorons and their ilk are strictly
post graduate work and we suggest you try applying
to Harvard, Princeton or Oxford's advanced description
labs. Are you sure you didn't want a subscription?
-MJ
From: JFinley502
My buddy has been sending your Mag since the first issue
and there is now quite a following in the dark halls
of Apple. As a wage slave I find it a joy to sneak
a look at the great articles and images while my slave
driver boss is away. Thank you for giving me something
to do other than playing Marathon for 9 hours a day.
And they wonder why Apple is falling apart...
Dear JFinley502
Apple was a pretty difficult nut to crack. We originally
started sabotaging your company with a cleverly designed
psychological campaign after Ooze's first computer
was stolen and we wanted to drive the price of our
hardware down. What better way than to make you overstock
billions of dollars of cheap Performas? With Apple
out of the way the market will be awash with cheap
used equipment perfect for constructing our empire
of sin and depravity. Incidentally, we were also responsible
for putting the quabosh on Interactive TV, and after
we're through with you, we're going to destroy Microsoft,
NetScape, and AOL too! That will leave OozeOS '97
and The Oozenet as the only options available to the
masses. Oh, how we look forward to that day. -MJ
From: Hydro C
Subj: fish candy
Ha Ha, clever boy, I've got you now, don't I?
Nice publication. How come no funny boys go to school
with me? Why do only stupid boys ask me out? Why does
everyone lie so much? Why do I lie so much?
Where's my candy? Why can't I get a job?
My weasel bites my legs while I sleep.
I want five dozen ampules of AMYL NITRITE, please.
FIVE DOZEN!?!
Yeah, I've got one fuck of a case of ANGINA PECTORIS.
The point here is my request for subscription to ooze,
in the macintosh format.
Hi, nice to meet you. Would you like to go out sometime?
I can't help it, I am obsessed with monkeys.
Shut up, you're just babbling at this point. Why do
you always bother me when I'm just about to make my
point? You've never made a sane point in your life.
I'm sorry. Please don't be afraid.
The boys who ask me out rarely have Spectacles and they
think D&D is a Satan worship game.
Are you afraid that If you give me your real name I
will come Stalk you?
I'm a good stalker.
To answer all your questions:
1) No, you don't have me.
2) Funny boys probably do go to school with you, but
they're smart enough to know you're obviously crazy.
3) To ask you out, I would have to be crazy
4) No one is lying to you. You're just crazy.
5) You must like lying because you're crazy.
6) Someone ate your candy bar or it's where you left
it. Possibly, since you're so crazy, you think your
pet bird is a candy bar, and it has since flown away.
7) No one will hire you because you're clearly crazy.
8) I would love to go out sometime and perform a simple
operation on you.
9) I haven't interrupted you once, in fact that's impossible
to interrupt someone in written discourse, unless of
course, the computer "speaks" directly into
your head.
10) No, I'm not afraid that you'll stalk me because
I am well armed. Very well armed. -MJ
Send your psychotic ramblings to overlord@ooze.com
-MJ is MJ at spoot1@aol.com
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits |