Love Letters to the Editors

Date: Sun, Aug 6, 1995 3:15 PM PDT
From: (Don Wood)

I won't even bother to search any thing else on this page. Why is it that today's humor is so banal and twisted? What's the point? Do you eventually want to see or draw pictures of dead people? Or better yet... pictures of newborns or...? Will you laugh at them? Just to get a little more powerful and knowledgeable and perverse? I'm not a preacher, but I make so much sense in statement, "the wages of sin are death." Perhaps it has nothing to do with the death of the sinner but the things he learns from and the world he creates... Outta here!

You are right.

Much of today's humor is banal and twisted. I too yearn for those bygone days when humor was clean and pure! Like back in the 60's with Monty Python and the Smothers Brothers delivering their ... Oh wait, that's all sick stuff. Well, what about the 50's? The family humor of I Love Lucy. Those people knew how to promote family values! Like when Ricky would go off with all those women and slapped Lucy around offstage. Oh wait. That's not funny either. What about the great vaudeville acts of yesteryear? When they'd put on that blackface and sang those... Well, Shakespeare's funny! Those Elizabethan audiences sure guffawed at those comedic love scenes! The women's parts were played by boys! Hold on. If we go back to the dawn of western civilization, I bet we can find some safe family humor. Aristophones play, Clouds, is considered one of the greatest comedies of the Greeks. It begins with a protracted fart joke... That's not acceptable either! What's left?

Gosh, how can humor be funny? What have I been thinking? Maybe you should stick to the Zima Home page. Nothing makes me laugh more than a web page designed to entice minors to drink. Or maybe the lightbulb joke page. No wait, sorry. Some of those jokes have dead people and newborns in them.

The wages of this magazine are enlightening letters like yours.

Yours in Christ,
Reverend Matthew Patterson


Hi! I am the editor of a new e-journal, Imagination E-Journal, on the marvelous world of Internet. Imagination is a nonprofit international e-journal proposed by a group of students in Bogazici University of Istanbul Turkey as a sub-project of Imagination Project, whose objectives are:

o To show the importance of imagination in our lives
o To encourage people to explore their imagination
o To encourage people to make use of their imagination in their daily lives
o To explore alternative theories and their applications for current problems in various fields by combining knowledge and imagination .

We want to meet with other e-journals which have already started their adventures on Internet. I would be happy if I could get some info about your e-journal.

Hello, fine fellow electronic periodical! We here at Ooze would like to welcome our brother's in Turkey with open arms.

We will use our imaginations to think of you smoking Turkish cigarettes, drinking Turkish coffee and wondering why you are so hairy and your growth is so stunted. Do you live in a harem? I read that the sultan's offspring had to murder their brothers so there would be no other claimants to the throne. What's it like to kill all your brothers? I know I sometimes wish I could kill my brother!

It must be fun to live in Constantinople. Unless you are a eunuch I guess. Do you have a harem of concubines? I don't even have a girlfriend. Maybe I'd be better of being a eunuch. Do eunuchs play videogames better because they aren't thinking of girls? That might be a plus.

Good luck with your zine, and don't let those Ionians give you any trouble. Even the Greeks hate them!

Subj: OOZE #5

I could play along and say a whole bunch of stupid things like: "Your magazine was so good, I vomited my own intestines from the uncontrolled chortling..." But I'll refrain.
The truth is, the magazine is funny. It has a very professional look to it, and the humor is a lot less stale than that of the current cast of Saturday Night Live. My only comment would be that you might consider including a little less gimmick and a little more satire. You have a budding National Lampoon's on your hands, my friend, and I envy you. Please enter my subscription to this ripping good read. Thank you.

What can you tell me about the OOZE family??


The Ooze family has a long and glorious tradition spanning generations. The famous branch of the family spawns from the unholy union of a Germanic Barbarian, and a semi-intelligent undersea creature. For many years, the family name was masked in obscurity as most male members were high ranking officials in the Bavarian Illuminati. One member, Alolphous Ooze the Second, was elected Pope Gregory IX in 1796, but soon fell from favor and had to flee to America leaving a trained pig to stand-in as the leader of the Catholic church. Amazingly, this pig went on to be a very successful patriarch, instituting massive reform and seeing to the end of the Spanish Inquisition.

Aldolphus went on to head many a successful business venture in the newly-formed United States. He married a Mohawk Indian from Upstate New York and had 17 children, only one of which, Aldolphus Jr., survived.

Aldolphus Jr. lived in a sealed cave most of his life, cut off from the world. A servant in charge of his food accidentally smeared herself with his detritus, impregnating herself. Her father, enraged that the Ooze family would not recognize their son, Aldolphus III, as their own, went on a rampage axing the entire Ooze family. Aldolphus III was doted upon by his adopted family and soon rose to the head of a multinational conglomeration by age 14. Today he lives in solace in a small domicile in Northern New Mexico hardly seen by the public. Ooze: The Magazine, was founded in this fortune. A sole voice for truth in a field otherwise blanketed by lies.

That is, what we know about the OOZE family. You might want to refer to the August 27, 1982 edition of National Reporter Magazine for further details and an expanded bibliography

From: (Mauricio Drelichman)

Please suscribe me to ooze Mac version full color. I have as unique version the #3. if you can send me any other or avice me any ftp site were their are I will be galde. I am in Argentina. Your fame (and your publication) was arrived here!
Thank you.

Hola Argentinos! Como esta usted? No me fusilas, soy americano! Tus albondigas son grandes senorita! Adios!

Let us make fun of YOU! Send your letters to TODAY!

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Ooze #6 ----- Fall '95

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits