My Summer Vacation The following are REAL summer vacation essays from children around the country. If your child has a funny report, send it to Ooze, and if we print it we'll send you a check for Fifty (50) Cents! Aren't these kids cute?

This summer vacation I went to the state of Arkinsaw. People wore funny hats and spat brown stuff at my dad. He got mad and yelled but the man pulled out a double barreled 10 gauge shotgun and shooteted out our windows. Daddy says he wants to go to Pennsylvania next year.
-Ralph Nardo, First Grade, Trenton, NJ

This summer I did lots of things. Then I went to school and wrote this.
-Marcy Ullmer, 3rd Grade

The scorching summer sun burned like leaves on hot asphalt. The picnic table before me was long, like the strands of time, but then thin and Allen. A pleasant middle aged woman with a crooked smile and her hair in a bun entered the backyard, slowly, carrying a round and frosted cake, its little candles burning like so many tiny fireflies. Then my fat friend Ralph let out the biggest fart! Stink-EE!
-Carl Euberbachler, 3rd Grade, Cambridge, MA

This summer I was a cow. Moo. Hey, what are those rotating blades doing in my--
-Nate Tumkins, Grade 2, Fifo, Kansas

Everyday this summer I went to the mall and Mommy bought me lots of things I didn't need. Then we ate steak and made fun of homeless people.
-Consuela Helmsley, Grade 4, New York, NY

This summer I went with my Mommy to Texas. We lived in a big camp with big walls and big towers. The big men said we couldn't leave but that was O.K. One day, Mommy asked me if I wanted to get married, but I said no. She said God wanted to marry me, and I would burn in Hell if I didn't. So I went up to the hairy man's room and he "made me his woman". It wasn't much fun, but then he burned to death with my mom. That was my summer.
-Jenny Quimkins, Grade 1, Waco, TX

At summer camp I made a boat.
-Hymie Wontom, Grade 5, Glendale, CA

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Ooze #6 ----- Fall '95

Ooze Magazine
The Journal of Substance, Wit,and Dangerous Masturbatory Habits