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Do you hate Ooze? Like it?
Write us and set Ooze straight!
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PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME!
I don't know who signed me up for this. Reason: Well I am a lesbian, feminist, vegitarian, radical politics kind of gal, everything you can think of that arch consevatives detest. I have no problems with sexual expression, ever heard of Susie Bright [feminist into sex -ooze] or Diamonda Galas? [creepy singer who screams a lot -ooze] But you need to take me off this list now. Got it?
-alicia from the California State University of Long Beach
Are you trying to excite me with your wicked talk? Bitch-slap me with your artistic taste? Well, I'm turned on! Unfortunately, I think you may be missing a point here...
#1 According to our database, your e-mail has been on our periodic update list since November 1998. Did you recently convert to uptightism? Maybe you inherited an old e-mail address from your school. Or maybe you've been listening to too much Diamonda Galas and your skull split forcing your 'other' self to sign you up to Ooze in a fit of self-loathing.
#2 Maybe when you take a few more classes at your community college, you'll begin to realize that some people approach social issues from different perspectives! How novel!
#3 You could stand to be a bit more polite when you unsubscribe from a mailing list. We're not trying to sell you anything (beside our comic genius, which you obviously did not purchase.)
If you buy a (steeply discounted) copy of our book, THE FINGER, we can still be friends!
I NEED MORE OOZE!
AS I HAVE GOTTEN ONE WHOLE ISSUE OF OOZE SINCE ORIGINALLY SIGNING ON ABOUT A YEAR AGO AND DON'T SEE THE NEED TO READ THE NOTHINGNESS CONTAINED IN THIS ISSUE, I DON'T NEED TO BE SUBSCRIBED TO YOUR MAG.
THANK YOU
SHAWN DUGGINS
Shawn's letter is the most puzzling Hate Mail we've ever received. Normally, we get letters like, "this is NOT funny," "rot in Hell Christian Bastards," and occasionally a simple, "if I ever see you in person, I WILL KILL YOU."
That's the kind of letter we understand. But this is something else. Something more puzzling and perhaps, even sinister.
Like a smack addict who fell down a well with a half spoonful of joy powder and decides to go cold turkey, Shawn is cutting Ooze out of his life because HE CAN'T GET ENOUGH OOZE!
Ok- that metaphor doesn't really work, but you can see why we are confused. Shawn, we care about YOU. Obviously, you DO NEED to be SUBSCRIBED to Ooze! We want YOU to inject yourself with all the quality humor scag you can stand without going into shock.
And we fully agree with you- Ooze has been in short supply. That's why we DIDN'T unsubscribe you - for your own good! We want you to give us a chance to prove that we CAN feed you the funny week after week - only a little bit at a time. And if you live in the Los Angeles area, we want you to come to our LIVE SHOW so we can apologize.
No one should be deprived of something they are willing to write an angry letter about.
SIMPLY, I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR
OOZE IS FOR (UNORIGINAL) KIDS!
Reading Ooze is like reading the newspaper written by children. It's plain fucking boring. You people just sometimes use big words and long sentences with words like "testicle" and "orface"... wow, that is "crazy"! Your ideas aren't even radical... I don't even get depressed or horny or dumber by reading what you have to say. You people think you are so special and original... but you're not. You don't even cry or complain very well... What you people say has already been said. What you people do has already been done. You don't even make fun of religion very well...
Yawning,
Jesus (lookatmema@porncity.net)
 Dear Jesus:
First off, the children and I are very sorry to take additional time out of your busy porno schedule, (as your mail is hosted by Porn City, "the first site to offer free adult website hosting") but we beg you to accept our humble apologies! The 'special' kids here at Ooze desperately try to entertain each and every one our readers to the best of their ability. After reading your letter aloud and having a group cry, they decided there are going to be a few changes.
We admit we're guilty of using some 'long sentences with words like "testicle" and "orifice".' I'm sure that you, avid consumer of pornography that you are, may have a 5th Grade reading level and prefer copy like what you would find in the average issue of Beaver Hunt. So from now on it's, "stinking ball sac" and "cum-sucking drain pipe".
Does that get you dumber, horny and depressed? We hope so. (Usually horny and depressed is a sign of psychological dysfunction that needs professional help, but it's not our place to question.) (Oops! We realized you might not know that dysfunction = 'not working'!)
Before you get back to your porn, Jesus, could you please tell us about all the fantastic original sites you visit? The children and I are running out of other people's material to steal, and you seem like such a hip arbiter of taste.
Love,
The Kids at Ooze Newspapers
ARE WE NAZIS?
FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING NAZI!!!FUCKING
NAZI!! [... fills 3 pages]
-Justin David Douglas O'Reilly
TIPPER FANS UNITE!
I just read you little joke about Tipper Gore, and it makes me so angry I couldn't help but respond! If you were even slightly informed, you would know what Al Gore really meant by his famous statement [about inventing the internet] and wouldn't mock it. You have displayed your ability to make complete fools out of yourselves. I almost think someone should shut you down- it's people and sites like you that give the internet a bad name to parents. Your sick, demented, twisted sense of humor really 'shines' here- and it makes me nauseous. I won't waste any more of my time on you losers. Go talk about your poorly though out, uninformed political opinions to your friends- if you have any.
Ryan Bach
Ryan, we love Al and Tipper. We love them so much, we tried everything we could to see them get into the White House. Did you see our website promoting the Gore/El Culo Negro candidacy? What parent would deny their child access to a website in the vanguard of Democracy?
Unfortunately, we didn't predict that the few hundred votes the Gore/El Culo Negro ticket received in Florida would deny Al Gore the Presidency. Are we fools for trying? Maybe. It's just too bad our 'uninformed political opinions' brought this great nation to the brink of a constitutional crisis. Sorry about that.
 AARON BURR, WAS A HERO TO MOST... BUT HE DIDN'T MEAN SHIT TO ME
Although I do enjoy irreverent humor directed toward American historical figures, I found your use of Aaron Burr's name attached to a fictional beer both illogical and disrespectful. I know more perhaps about Burr because I'm a graduate in history, and I have written several papers and articles on the Third Vice- President. Although Burr certainly committed his share of questionable deeds in the 1800s, his contributions as both a Revolutionary officer and a Democratic Senator are beyond reproach. I could think of worse Americans to lampoon. How about Burr's betrayer in the 1805-7 Conspiracy, General James Wilkinson? He sold U.S. secrets to Spain for their gold coin, almost costing the Lewis & Clark Expedition their lives. Or more recent villains, such as Warren Harding, Joseph McCarthy, or even Nixon?
Think about history before rendering judgments!
-Jeffrey M. Leatherwood
You're right! But General Wilkinson? That's been so overdone! Our parody ad of banal Sam Adams beer ads would have been much more Hi-Larious if we had only thought to satirize Ulysses Grant for his role in the memorable Whisky Ring Scandal! You better study up on your funny history and get back to us.
LETTERS TO TOOLOFSATAN.ORG
YU IS LOSERS!
yu guys are the two biggest losers in the world if i was right next to yu and i had a gun i would shoot yu two in the head. and then i would feed yur bodiess to the dogs i hate yu two people
-Colmore
Why would you want to feed our dead bodies to your dogs? Isn't that just plain cruel? We personally love our dogs, and would only feed them the bodies of those we like - not people we hate.
YOU'RE SERIOUS, RIGHT?
Brothers why have you lost your will to fight against this abomination that is Yoda. Have you been corrupted by his ill will? His heart is as black as the mud in his swamp. He is the steward of the garden of weeds! He lives like a savage in a desolate realm, where chaos rules. He uses sorcery, and necromancy. Often conversing with the dead...This Evil must not be allowed to continue. He is the anti-Christ. Please admit you were serious in this crusade against evil...
Thank you,
Jeffrey Thomas Tomeo
Of course we are still fighting the Good Fight against Star Wars and the Yoder Puppet's evil reign! We have our website running at toolofsatan.org and MILLIONS of people have visited it- many with the belief the Force is real- but now they know that the Force is a Fiction!
However- If you read the news, you might be aware the Godless Celtic Death Nation of England and the backwards Australia have recently had their census. 10,000 people marked on their forms that their religion is "Jedi Knight"! Can you believe how far George Lucas has gotten promoting his Godless religion? When we launched this site in 1997 people Laughed at Us Saying that No One thought the Force was really a Religion- BUT WE WERE RIGHT!
I would be happy to exchange more letters with you, but only if you are serious. Also, do not visit ooze.com. I think they are hosting my site as a "joke". I'll take their freebies, but it won't be so funny to them when they burn in Hell.
-Mortimer Fontaine
 A REAL 'SHIP' ON HIS SHOULDER
I am on to you. I know what your game is. You're people who don't like Christians and you're out there trying to make us look like evil fanatics by protesting an innocent fantasy movie. Well it isn't gonna work- if enough people ever did hit your website or read your literature to make any impact, then people would find out about you and discredit you. I think people who don't like Christianity just have a ship on their shoulder and think that because God is everywhere they can blame everything bad on him. Well its not like that. Christianity is about love, not hate like your website. You should find out about the real thing before you try to undermine it!
-Chris McVey, a Christian (but not some sort of crazy fanatic!)
It's unfortunate that not every Christian Website is about love. Ever hear of God Hates Fags? There are fanatics everywhere you look. Not that Star Wars websites are much more sane...
HEY GUYS! I'M EVIL!
I stumbled into your page because I was bored and needed some laughs. Now, I realize you guys are not serious about your claims, but you are definitely way overboard on your presentations. Doesn't LUCASFILMS own the photographs you use on your website?
 I am by no means holy (hell, I am so evil I can make both of your twenty four toes curl!) but you're using too much artistic license on the Jesus thing.
Please remove the vandalized photo of the little kid who played Anakin Skywalker. Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher may find your crude antics hilarious, but it may hurt the boy's feelings. Come to think of it, why don't you just take down the whole site altogether, and put up something else, like a Christian porn site?
Here, I'm contributing a photo. Suck each other off while you're looking at it, then post it on your website. Remember the face, so you can say 'hi' to me in Hell.
-sylvialicious666
What's so Christian about a naked Hawaiian? Hawaiians are PAGAN! This isn't going to help me. I mean, it's a good idea and a nice picture, but please do some research before sending a submission to Ooze! How about a naked pic of you sucking on a crucifix? We modified your picture a tiny bit to demonstrate.
Thanks for taking an interest in our satanic leanings, but you still have some work to do before you are really Ooze-Quality Evil. Only 13 of my 17 total toes curled.
LETTERS TO PWEETA
I (HEART) CATS
motherfucker i hte you and all other people who do som fucking shit with cats
-a.passauer@elsnet.at (Austria)
Have you ever eaten a blood sausage? They're pretty popular over where you're from. Inside a thick intestinal casing is this brownish (from the blood) liquid with fat chunks and unidentified meaty bits swirling around it. (WARNING: Do not pierce a blood sausage with your fork! When I tried that, I wound up with bloody stank all over my shirt.) Cat is a lot less gross. Trust me.
RE: THE ANIMALS
Are you the sick fuck who likes killing cats? Come over to my house and i will show you what i can do to stop you forever!!!!!!!!!!! I am forwarding this web site to the attorney general. since i am an FBI agent i have the means. -pmd@twcny.rr.com
Ok- You got us Agent PMD! From your incredibly articulate e-mail, (and I see that the government has supplied you with the *means* to forward an e-mail!) I can tell the government is serious about cracking down on Ooze. And the American people stand united behind them in confronting the Cat Killing Menace. And I will admit to being a card-carrying Cat Killer.
I was young, and naive - but the cat was suffering. Yes- I PUT A CAT TO SLEEP! It died! I can hardly stand the pain of living with this terrible secret any longer!
As soon as I find your house, I will come over, knock on the door, say hello to your children, and then, after I start to weep, I will name the evil Vet who led me to believe that euthanasia was the best option for my suffering kitty! I beg you and Attorney General John Ashcroft for leniency! I have two dogs that depend on my ability to work! God have mercy on us all!
P.S. Did this have something to do with the Cat Cooking article in Ooze? I wasn't sure but I did feel terrible about putting the cat to sleep. (It didn't taste very good.)
ANGRY AT ANIMALS AND HOMOPHOBIC?
Go get your shine box, fuckface. Research studies indicate that kids who hurt or show anger towards animals are more likely to be homicidal as adults. Are you also aware that studies overwhelmingly indicate a majority of homophobics are actually repressed homosexuals? Your staff needs to work on these issues.
-eolson@amazon.com
Well, that may explain our habit of starting our staff meetings by having anal sex with a young bull while bashing its soft skull with a folding metal chair. Or did we get that from Professional Wrestling?
PWEETA IN OUR SCHOOLS!
Dear PWEETA,
My name is Ted Kniazewycz and I go to Northgate High School in Walnut Creek, California. I am 16 years old, and me and two of my friends have decided to create a club based on the principal that meat is good to eat. We were going to name it PFETA (People For Eating Tasty Animals), but after I heard of PWEETA, we were interested in opening up a local chapter. Our plan was to have a monthly barbecue and rallies showing why meat is the best way to go. Any help of yours to fend off the radical Bay Area vegetarians would be helpful, or at least some propaganda to post at school.
Sincerely,
Ted Kniazewycz
Ted-
The PWEETA site is full of posters and great ideas to bring 'meat awareness' to the kids in your school! You are hereby declared President of the Northgate PWEETA Chapter and are charged to explain to anyone who will listen to you that it is OK to eat any of God's Creatures! Have some Meat Sales to raise money. Send it to us, and we'll come up to your town and perform our Meat Puppet Show and our Lectures on Meat Eating in a general assembly at your school!
Anyone can form a local chapter of PWEETA, and we'll post your progress reports on the web. Remember, as long as there is ONE vegetarian, our job isn't complete!
Take some pictures, write a journal and keep in touch!
-PWEETA.org
WHICH OOZE DID YOU MEAN?
OOZE MAIL A LA BEEFCAKE
A girlfriend of mine had a calendar that said "International Naked Hunks" and it was the funniest calendar I've seen in a long time. It was a gift, so she does not know where it was purchased. On the back it said Ooze International. Do you have this calendar for sale? -flecia
Flecia-
Thanks for the compliments! We take our work very seriously here at Ooze International. However, why do you insist on calling our manly flesh, "funny"? Do our overpowering physiques frighten you? We are not the silly boys you may have dated in the past. We are men. International Naked MEN.
Am I supposed to sell you a calendar so you may mock the gifts that God has endowed me with? Would you laugh when I wrap my hairy, muscular arms around your torso - my hair blowing in the sea breeze as we sail away from the pain and suffering of your wretched life to an island free of worry? An island where there is no technology, no cell phones, no computers - but just you and I. Naked. Alone. And maybe a stationary bicycle made of palm fronds and coconuts that would power our transistor radio.
If you are prepared to gaze upon Naked Ooze on our terms, you will want to take a peek at some photos. These will be just some of the images used in the Ooze Hunks 2002 Calendar.
Enjoy our Naked Flesh!
MYSTERY LETTER TO OOZE
We got a flood of e-mail from "Ashley" intended for her friends at theooze.com, a Christian outreach site. Here is an example:
Wus up chica!?! well i said i would email tonight. i duno if you will get it tonight or when ever but oh well. neways email me back if you can k. see ya latez!
Bye Ashley
Yo yo yo ASHLEY,
Wasuppp? Thoze peeps you rote 2 @ ooze.com DO NOT HAVE ACCOUNTS at ooze.com, K?
Also, what do u talk bout wid yo friendz, see. You just bla bla, blab all about nada. Maybe you should get a hobby, or experience life some more. Also, try using theooze.com.
REPLY:
i dont mean to sound like a bitch but i dont think it is ne of your business what me and my friends talk about. If you check your little computer for the names I put in for my addresses you will see that my friends do have accounts there, but I don't know the addresses. K! And yes i do have a fucking life. ok so back off!!
-Ashley
Dear Ashley,
I'm sure in a small town like yours there are many enriching opportunities for you to experience- like hanging out with the elderly, drinking lite beer in the alley behind the local convenience store, and even riding in the back of a pick-up truck smashing things with a blood stained baseball bat as your speed-freak boyfriend tears along a dirt track at 87 mph. And most important, having as many babies as possible before you turn 18. But I think the most important thing you can do is learn the difference between ooze.com and theooze.com - k?
Latez!
Do you hate Ooze? Like it?
Write us and set Ooze straight!
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