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________________________________________Fall ď94
The following text MAY KILL YOU.
Vol.1 No.3
Text Online Version

Copyright 1994 Matt Patterson

All Mail to: drbubonic @aol.com or
 Matt Patterson 968 Tularosa Dr #2 
Los Angeles CA  90026   

Staff:
Matt Patterson  Edward Schmidt  Joe Wagner 
Gabe Wardell 
Matt Broesma Whitney Fitzgerald Nubba 
George Patterson Pigpile1 David Frowe and Zak
_____
Lovely Letters!
We got TONS of letters after issue #2, but they're all 
boring so we're printing these instead:

From The GEnie Guy:
Reply:  Item #9341140 from M.PATTERSON3 on 
94/08/04 at 19:45 
   First off, let me apologize,[blah blah...]
   That said, I cannot release the "OOZE" newsletter 
(even in the Adult file areas) because of the highly 
offensive subject matter. It is not just a matter 
of the language (which I'd rate a hard "R", if not 
an "X"), but the entire newsletter's focus and 
content. We only allow 'R-rated' GIFs in the adult 
sections, and we enforce GEnie's policy of not 
allowing offensive material online.
   To give you an example, I had to recently kill 
a[n] animation that was of a picture of Adolf
 Hitler with troops marching underneath and a 
rotating swastika, with the banner "Deutschland 
Uber Alles" (Germany over all). This file, while 
not x-rated, was offensive enough to most 
people as to be unreleasable on GEnie.
   GEnie is a national service, and has far stricter 
guidelines than most local BBSes...[blah blah}.

Kevin Steele, Mac RT Library Manager.

SEE?  OOZE WILL CORRUPT THE CHILDREN!!!  
Flee! On Compuserve they were a bit more rational 
in my rejection:

From: Peter Chin (Sysop), 76702,1246 
Topic: Your OOZE#2 
Date: Thu, Sep 1, 1994, 11:30:12 PM
Matt,
I'm sorry but we cannot accept your OOZE#2 upload 
due to it's content containing the use of the copyright 
image of Mickey Mouse and references to oral sex, etc. 
 As always, upload time is free.   Thanks!   -PC

I still want to know EXACTLY what oral sex,etc is!
_
Simple Phrases IÍd Like To Know In Every Language

Hey!  Come back with my Tuna Salad!
Boy, are my arms tired.  You try it.
Have you seen my prostate around?
We've replaced your Folger's Crystals with 
Boric Acid
Let her go!  ItÍs me you want.
This isnÍt coffee!  It's pig's blood.
I've successfully staved off the coming of the 
Anti-Christ for two centuries.
I'm a serial killer.  What do you do?
No.  How much for YOUR wife?
Please donÍt execute me by rifle again!  Use the garrote!
I'm an American.  You suck.
Human Flesh tastes more like salmon than chicken.
____
GET ON OUR MAILING LIST! send email address to 
drbubonic@aol.com  

If you'd like a hard copy, the 16 Page Print Zine: 
Ooze is available for $1.50 for a sample copy, and 
$6 / 4 issue subscription. 

OOZE #1 & #2 Text and OOZE v1.1 & v2.1 for the
 Mac (with lots of pretty colors) are still available!

MAC USERS: This is the Online Text Version of Ooze #3. 
It lacks alot of stuff.  Get in on Compuserve and AOL 
in edited (no naughty bits) versions or contact me for details.
-----
REVIEWS:

RECORD IS PERFECT
The Screaming Puppies new album, Eat Gravel Hog, 
is a culmination of the group's synthesis of its Genesis, 
and a kickin' record to boot.  Released on vinyl, the 
album comes with a beautiful glossy, full colour 
cover.  There is an attractive family snapshot of the 
band at Christmas, (Erik Jammer, guitarist/Dad) 
(Erin Jammer, bass/Mom) (Patty, drummer/Sister) 
(Baby Dan, vocals/Baby) and the back features a 
listing of every track on the record.  

I was pleasantly surprised to find that inside the 
record cover was a 12" LP!  Protecting the firm, yet 
pliable nylon is a record jacket that had all the 
words (lyrics) printed on it.  What a bonus!  The 
disk itself is a deep jet black, and has many grooves 
on each surface.  Some of the grooves were large, 
most were small.    I shrieked with delight when 
I noticed the record had a perfectly centered hole 
in the middle, so the disk wouldn't spin lopsided 
like the rest of the band's albums.  My only 
complaint was that I couldn't figure out how the 
damn thing loaded into my CD player.

Finally, Screaming Puppies have gotten it right.  
Their album is practically perfect.
_____________
Diary of a Mall Security Guard

Feb. 17th
Woke up from drunken stupor.  Partied hard last 
night with that Mad Dog we confiscated from those 
kids in the Food Court.  

Feb. 30
I hate those damn kids.  They think they run this mall.  
Almost got run over by a Jeep doin' fifty out of the 
Main Entrance.  Could've lost my other toes.  Then 
I had this flashback.  Charlie all around us.  Dove 
for cover behind a parked BMW and attempted to 
return fire.  Guess I went overboard.

March 6.
Got lost going to Ben and Jerry's.  Out of radio 
contact.  Figured out we really screwed up when 
we saw the sign welcoming us to Ohio.  It's 
supposed to be on the mezzanine.  Got doughnuts instead.

Mach 12
Dynamited car parked in Fire Zone.  Towing was 
too good for it.  We all had a big laugh.

March 23
Why do I like this job so much? Besides the 
kickbacks, I guess it's the sexy uniforms.  Found 
body under photobooth.

April 1
Man in suit told me I was fat and ugly.  Shot him.

April 12
I was stationed outside of Waldenbooks when it hit 
me.  It was back in 1953 and Dad said we could go 
fishing, but it rained all day.  It was dark and cold.  
That was when I got my first big  flashlight and I 
named it George.  Just then I ran out of coffee.

April 15
I was protecting the citizenry when I wrote 
this poem.

Lily Skies
Private Eyes
Rolling Clouds
Pass the Fries

It brought a single tear to my wrinkled eye.  
Lady who worked in the Gap lent me a plaid hankie.

April 21
Saw rerun of Jake and the Fatman.  Why did that 
have to go off the air?  Policewoman, Hunter, 
Manimal, Rockford Files, Captain Kangaroo... why 
have they left me?  I feel empty inside.  Went out 
and gave a parking ticket to random lady.  Didn't 
feel too much better.

October 12
Woke up inside temporal anomaly [note the date 
of entry]caused by a stress in the space-time 
continuum, most likely set off by the experiment 
with the microwave, the VCR and my digital 
watch that I was conducting in the basement.  
Won big at OTB.

May 1.
I finally tried on those lacy things after the mall 
closed today.   It wasn't all what Ed made it out to be.  

May 4.
I had a dream last night in which I was a hot dog 
bun, and this hotdog kept trying to jump inside me.  
I think this might be some sort of left over guilt 
from having missed the Angel's game last night.

May 15
I decided on a career move.  It's time to move on.  
Time to blaze new trails.  I'm being stationed at 
the other end of the mall.
___________
What I Remember of the 80's - by PigPile1

  I remember Madonna and Prince in the same room 
having sex but not with each other; masturbating 
to the sight of themselves in big elaborate mirrors 
while Michael Jackson watched while gulping a Pepsi 
and talking to his pet chimp Bubbles, whom it had 
been rumored had had sex with Liz Taylor, Brooke 
Shields, and the Elephant ManÍs bones. 
  I remember Bruce Springsteen accepting a big 
load of money to go down on Ronald Reagan; he
even tried to spit it out later. The President later 
commented that he didnÍt remember anything about 
it.   I watched our federal deficit skyrocket past 
the point of believability while Springsteen's 
shameless hucksterism reared its head with the 
release a 5-record set shipping billions before 
anyone had heard a note of it. If there was ever 
anyone in show business who cultivated a ridiculously 
bullshit image, it was this man.
      I remember David Letterman with his smarmy 
comments and inane cynicism as a poor excuse for a 
counterculture, and wondering whether or not he was 
a right-wing plot to encourage all malcontents and 
non-conformist youth to kill themselves.
     I remember Jimmy Swaggart  playing with his 
congregationÍs donations looking for a woman to 
pose in strange positions while he masturbated 
with religious ecstasy into a condom. I remember 
Jim Bakker getting his rocks off and Oral Roberts 
lining his pockets. I remember hoping that Billy 
GrahamÍs whole global crusades operation was a 
front for international drug trafficking.
     I remember nobody gave much of a damn about 
politics, and as a natural consequence politicians 
didnÍt give much of a damn about them. 
     I remember Oliver North becoming a hero, and 
accepting gratuities from American citizens who 
obviously had a bit too much money in their hands. 
     I heard Ronald and NancyÍs astrologer finally 
explain to me the logic behind some of the great 
decisions of our time. I watched those in government 
and the church (and to a lesser extent the school 
system) encourage hatred and homophobia the 
same way that they had encouraged brutal sexism 
and unyielding racism in the past decades. 
  Tired of the youth culture and fed up with 
the old men who got us where we are today, I gave 
up, withdrew, and decided to ignore it all and sit 
around listening to old Miles Davis records. I 
would encourage anyone else to do the same in 
the absence of a better alternative.
From the lands of Inbreds.
Pigpile1@aol.com
__-_
40 Ways YOU Can Help Destroy the Earth!

People these days are constantly harping about 
the upcoming Armageddon.  But WHEN is the 
world going to finally end? Most people don't 
realize it can't happen without THEIR help.   
Below are a few little things YOU can do to 
help end the world.

1. Use motor oil to fertilize your lawn.
2. Feed lead to Pigeons.
3. Vacation by your local polluted river.
4. Serve Chlorofluorocarbons as appetizers at 
your next party.
5. Find the remaining woodland in your town and
 use it for kindling.
6. Leave your car running all day.
7. Drive to the bathroom.
8. Spray your yard with DDT and not those other 
wimpy pesticides.
9. Pour Agent Orange into local reservoir to enhance
 flavor.
10. Only wear polyester, and never more than once.
11. Become a megalomaniac and gain control of vast 
nuclear stockpiles. Use them.
12. Dump your food leftovers into the recycling bin.
13. Keep the Bubonic Plague virus around as a lovable, 
low maintenance pet.
14. Use at least three gallons of water for each tooth 
when brushing
15. Create an oil slick in your back yard for fun science 
experiment for the kids
16. Have 37 children
17. Name them all Bill.
18. Strangle a bald eagle
19. Spread Styrofoam balls all over your lawn for 
winter fun all year round
20. e-mail Al Gore petitioning to test nuclear arms 
above ground in major cities.
21. Wage chemical warfare in local elementary 
school. It's fun and easy!
22. Experiment in biotoxins buy not burying dead pets.
23. Offer free cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs to pregnant 
mothers.
24. Own at least 43 televisions per person per household
 and watch them all at once.
25. Build a simple coal burning power plant in your 
basement.
26. Remove your catalytic converter and  muffler. 
They just ruin the fun.
27. Aim X-ray machine at unsuspecting patients in 
the DentistÍs office.
28. Sunscreen? ItÍs for wimps.
29. Carve holes in the ozone layer. They make great gifts.
30. Drive a M-1A Abrams tank to work. 
31. Disrupt local mass transit with campaign of terror.
32. Develop condominium complex in beautiful Chernobyl.
33. Fart 40 times or more a day.
34. Develop a secret neurotoxin that makes females 
pregnant with dinosaurs.
35. Buy something you don't need every day, three 
times a day. Dump it on the freeway.
36. Defecate in reservoirs.
37. Work for the government.
38. Aerosol hairspray can be used for a lot more 
than personal grooming!  Putting up posters, cooking 
lubricant, antiperspirant, ant and roach killer,  
personal defense, and party favors.
39. Burn your own garbage for fun and profit.
40. Encase dead relatives in Lucite blocks. ć

We hope that these simple ideas will inspire 
you to create your own methods to drag this 
planet further into its grave.   Every person counts!
___
Jew Theatre Presents:  SchindlerÍs Shopping List!
A Play in One Act:

Grocery checkout counter.  A CLERK is passing 
items over a price scanner.  SCHINDLER is checking 
off the items as they go over the scanner.

SCHINDLER:  Milk. (The milk is scanned. beep!) 
Bread. (beep!) Box of Sprinkle Spangles. (beep!)  
Mory Epstein.  (From behind the register a RABBI 
is dragged onto the counter and across the scanner. beep!)
______
ME 'N STING

 When I was first hired to do an interview with 
Sting by Ooze Magazine I wasn't sure I was prepared 
to deal with a personality of that magnitude.  Ever 
since he left that deadbeat band of untalented nobody's 
and hangers-on, The Police, and headed out on his 
own musical direction with Dream of the Blue 
Turtles, I've known the man was a true visionary; 
he had seen the future of Rock and Roll and all 
humanity.  Then there was Nothing Like the Sun... 
and I thought Wow! Shakespeare! This man's a 
genius.  Now as I sit in my small but elegantly 
appointed West Side loft smoking French 
cigarettes and drinking expensive and politically 
correct Danish coffee I wonder what Sting had 
done to deserve to be interviewed by a writer 
of my almost indescribable talents.  I open my 
window and look down upon the nameless and 
faceless swarm of useless peasants and wonder 
how Sting can hold it in his heart to go down 
to Brazil and suffer in the sweltering heat of 
the Rainforest in order to save their miserable 
and pathetic lives and the even more miserable 
and pathetic lives of their children yet to be born; 
perhaps I'll ask him.  I remember seeing his picture 
while he stood among the short brown natives of 
the upper-Amazon basin and being very impressed 
that he had managed to maintain his lovely lily-
white European complexion in such a sultry and 
inhospitable clime.  I find it almost impossible 
to believe that the Academy of Motion Picture 
Art and Sciences could have denied this saint-
like man an Oscar for any of his stellar screen 
performances in such underrated masterpieces 
like:  Dune, The Bride, and The Adventures of 
Baron von Munchausen.  I'm not, of course, surprised 
that those short-sighted philistines would have 
denied him as they had the audacity not to even 
mention my much touted cameo in the silent, 
black and white, three minute, undergraduate, 
student film "The Unbearable Angst of Growing-
Up White, Male, and Upper-middle Class:  or Why 
Am I Forced To Deal With Ordinary People".
 Now that I have I brought myself into a sympathetic 
relationship with Sting I pick up the phone and 
prepare to dial his unlisted number while 
wondering if I should address as him Mr. Sting, or 
Gordon.   
 The phone rings; once, twice, three-times.  
 ME: "As we are both artists, Sting, I wonder how 
you can be so magnanimous towards the branded 
critics who so completely misunderstood, what 
I consider to be your brilliant portrayal of Mac 
the Knife in Berthold Brecht's "Three Penny Opera"?
 His voice fills the ear-piece of my phone. 
 STING: "Is this that pretentious rag Ooze? I thought 
I told you I wouldn't even recycle that crappy piece 
of trash!  Even to wipe my ass!  If you call me again 
I'm siccing the Fed's on you."
 ME:  "Thank you Gordon.  I wish you the best of luck 
on your future projects."
 So I sat down, drank a cup of espresso, and thought 
about how cool I really am.
_____
Some Thoughts on Religion
.. an ongoing look into the meta-consciousness

I saw a TV segment about Buddhist monks who, in 
the winter, built a gigantic statue of the Buddha from 
butter.   It took two monks all winter to complete it.  
When the weather warms, the statue melts to the 
ground.  When questioned as to why they spent so 
much time on a work, only to have it melt a few 
months later, the monks explained that all things 
are destroyed eventually, so why not. I think they 
were just covering up and consume the statues in a 
lipid frenzy in order to look more like the Buddha.  
----
ADVERTISEMENT!
 There is somethingvery wrong andvery sick about 
a society that not only ritually mutilates it's babies 
{in the guise of the normal "practice" of circumcision}, 
but also takes these half men and their mostly
 intact females and sends them to the "shopping"
 mall?  The demented stumbling child king we 
sometimes call the "mainstream" media, in cohoots 
with MALL OWNERS and the corporate heads of
 "chain" retail stores are plotting the veritable 
BRAINWASHING OF OUR YOUTH in the form of their 
dirty [products] of pure 92 percent EVIL! You may 
see them as simple, "harmless" items, like Cabbage 
Patch Kids or sometimes PLAY DOUGH and it's ilk, 
but really these are transmitters which connect 
directly to the TENDER FLESHY BRAIN of youth and 
{unintentionally} our senior citizens which are 
filled with such disrupting messages as, "I eat gay" 
and "I lick, I lick, I lick".  This is the cause of that 
nauseous feeling you get every time you walk in a 
mall i.e. Persian Gulf War, Homelessness, Drugs.  
You are probably asking yourself, "WHAT CAN I DO? 
 Should I stop going to the mall?".  You only wish 
it could be that simple.  
  IT IS. IT IS. IT IS!  The Apostles of Bur have the 
answer.  You can block these "rays" and protect your 
TENDER FLESHY BRAIN with our official Apostles of 
Bur Head Garb, or "holy" Headcloth.  Each one [contains] 
fibers from the mystical Shroud of Turin, and has 
been blessed by one of our fully qualified "ministers". 
 How much would you be willing to pay for complete 
protection from EVIL?  Well put away your big bills 
because with the coupon {below} and only ONE DOLLAR
 you can get your own "holy" Headcloth!  Just put that 
crisp cash in an envelope and write, "I WANT AN 
OFFICIAL Apostles of Bur HEAD GARB!" and address it to:

"Rev". George Patterson OC 1702 44074 USA

In the meanwhile if you put a wet rag on your head you 
can expect to be able to shop with a minimum of contamination.
-----
MORE THOUGHTS ON RELIGION

 If Jesus AND Satan both had a Mailbox, who would 
get more mail and why?  What kind of mail would 
they get?  Would people rubber-band Chinese takeout 
menus to their door, or would they be AFRAID?  Would 
the Discover Card people mail them anything?  Would 
Satan's box be all hot inside?  Who would get the 
J. Crew and who the Victoria's Secret?  And what 
would they order?  
 Could Jesus get mail on Sundays and National 
Holidays?  Could He get mail after the post office
closes?  Would this count as a Miracle?  Would they 
have open their mailbox like the rest of us, or would 
they just magically open when they will it to?  Would 
Satan get Anti-Mail?  What is Anti-Mail, and what 
would it do to our MAIL INDEX if we got it? 
 What about Buddha?  What about Mohammed?  
What about Dan Rather?  What kind of mail do 
they get?  If Buddha got more mail than Jesus would 
that make Buddhism the ONE TRUE RELIGION?  Or is 
it just that Buddha likes to mail away for more shit?  
What can we learn from the answers to these 
questions?  

Answer briefly in the space provided below.

-----
How to Beat Any Video Game.-Stephen Frowe

   I have beaten every single game I have ever played.  
My secret you ask?  Simple: Concentrate TOTALLY on 
the game.  You can enter Zen Buddhist state of total 
video.  Ignore any pleas of help, any work you should 
be doing, or any hunger pangs from your malnourished 
carcass.   
    First you must clear your mind and think of nothing.  
Then, start up the game.  Now focus all your mental 
energy on the screen.  Think of a koan or mantra and 
repeat it to yourself over and over.  "Mario Brothers 
is fun.  Mario Brothers is fun," works for me.  If you 
are doing it right, you should be easily able to ignore 
the stares of passing strangers.  You are well on your 
way to total pixel-harmonization.  
      I started Tetris just toying around with it.  I sort 
of liked its numbing simplicity.  Then I heard that 
weird things happened at the end of each level. I really 
wanted to see them.  I started out on level 0.  A breeze. 
 A little man played his song with a banjo.  I couldn't 
believe the disappointment.  Then, for no reason it hit. 
 I started  thinking that my life depended on the outcome 
of this game.  
  You MUST do this as well.  Become the game.  A good 
sign of this occurring is either visual or audio 
hallucinations.  When I closed my eyes I couldn't 
think of anything but little Tetrises.  That night I 
dreamed of little twisting blocks.  At school, people
 became long oddly shaped forms.   I failed all my tests 
for the day.  I couldn't talk to anyone.  I could only 
configure these...these...tetrises!  The next day I 
destroyed the game and beat level 9 and 5.  The 
ending sucked but I had achieved a technical Nirvana.
  Some people might argue that this type of game-
playing is dangerous, but I think it "enhances" reality.   
I started up Super Mario World and thought was pretty 
basic stuff. That day I was supposed to go to Disney 
World.   But I was compelled to beat it.  I just wanted 
to see what happened if I beat it 2 times in a row.  
I played for 5 hours straight and did it.   As we bolted 
out to Disney World a peculiar thing happened... Blip!  
I looked around only to find that the Gameboy was 
nowhere in sight.  After an hour, the blips of crushed 
goombas was becoming more frequent.  Then the 
music kicked in.  I was jukin' and jivin' in the middle 
of the Magic Kingdom to the level 3 music.  I was 
freaked, even though Mr. Toad's Wild Ride was greatly 
enhanced.  Disney World might have sucked otherwise. 
 Eventually the hallucinations stopped, in a few weeks.  
     The point is, that total concentration works, no 
matter how painful it sounds.  It works.  Thank you.

-DavidI1056@aol.com a.k.a. Stephen Frowe (pronounced 
like the 70s hairstyle 'fro) Ingram.
------
Still More Thoughts on Religion....

 I met a man in the park today who said God is an 
intelligent alien life form living outside the solar 
system, and we were projections of its conscious.  
I laughed at him, but then he seemed to shimmer and 
disappear.  
---
Computer Games that Never Sold
(pictures not included) 

Sim Sewer
Rebuild fabulous sewers of history.. or design your own!  
Picture:  2-D underground shot of NYC SEWERS.  There is 
graphic of a man in a hard-hat leaping over a pile of used 
condoms.  A blind albino alligator lurks nearby.

Where in the World is Carmen Miranda?
Can you find Carmen Miranda before she takes over 
the world with her deadly hat?
Picture:  Carmen Miranda (with fruit hat and trench coat).  
She is in China.

Colon Commander tm
Fight Encroaching Cancer and the RingWorm tm Empire!
Picture:  A spaceship clings to the wall of an organic 
tunnel, firing lasers at half digested food particles.

Calculus Blaster
Make Higher Math Fun!  Good for kids of all ages!
Picture: Frustrated kid playing game. On screen is an 
impossible calculus equation. There is a little alien 
pointing at the equation with a gun.

LetÍs Have a Riot!
Picture: Little white, computer-blocky guy jumps 
over a mob of angry black blocky characters.  All 
wield bats and guns.
_____
There are lots of ants crawling around my apartment
 right now.  When it gets hot in LA they come inside.  
I keep getting a creepy feeling that bugs are crawling 
all over me... and I look down and they are. -mp

 CONTRIBUTORS-Do you write funny things?  Do you 
draw funny pictures?  Do you want to embezzle $$ 
from us?  THEN  WRITE TO US

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